having a bad morning

[Faith-and-Hope]

Yes @BlueBay

Hoping some tranquility goes on holiday with you and you can enjoy just being in the moment with your hubby.  

Remember to breathe in that holiday air, feel the breeze, take memory "photos" of where you were sitting and what you were doing that was fun and comfortable.  

Collect those, like seashells to bring back with you.

🐚🐚🐚 ... 💜

[Decadian]

@BlueBay

Hi there - if you are in Melbourne you would know it is a lovely day for the beach - warm and windy - and I am glad you took time out - sitting by yourself looking at the waves and just sorting through your life is pretty good

You will feel flat opening up with your psyche - and here's something I worked out

It does not matter at all what we say to our councellor - it's what we hear - so opening up and telling them the whole story - or as much as you can in the time - is going to open those doors in your memories and it will be exhausting - it's hard, stuff stuff - I have done this - I know - I did it last week with my psychologist and I was so tired afterwards I slept for hours in my lounge room - not the best chair in the world for a bad back to nap in

So take your time - time out for a few days a way is the best things right now -

Here's a thing - we can only live one day at a time - some times one hour at a time - but our memories can get stuck there - and I don't want them - you don't want them - no one wants them

We have to defuse them - that's the hard part

Decadian

[Decadian]

That sounds pretty good @BlueBay

You have come a long way in a few days - and I know this is hard to feel yourself because what you have done is exhausting

But it is a huge start

We are so lucky to have Life Line here - the website I am in for chronic pain is in the States - and they do not have this kind of service - I don't know how we would get along without it

Just takes things quietly - I am really glad your own psyche is back next week

Decadian

[eth]

Hi @BlueBay how was it with your regular therapist this morning?  How are you going today?

[BlueBay]

Hi @Decadian @Faith-and-Hope @Silenus @eth

I am in Melbourne (bayside) and its warm and beautiful.  bit windy but tht's okay at least the washing will try.

I had a session this morning with my regular psychotherapist who i have been seeing for the past 5 yrs.  He knows me so so well, it's sometimes scary how he can read my mind without me saying a word.  And when he does I think sh**T you are so right, I hate you.

We have a very good relationship and I can just about say anything to him and so does he to me.  He will be so caring, supportive and yet he can also be so straight down the line when he needs to be.

I respect him although at times i do get frustrated with myself but take it out on him.

Today we spoke about the week I have had and mothers day.  He told me he understand completely how difficult it was for me but self harming is not the way to go to get revenge on my mum.  He said i am still letting my mum take control by doing that; i need to change my thinking, behaviour. 

He told me that I have 'rigid thinking' black and white thinking and i struggle with anything outside of that.  I know i do struggle and i guess i will have to work on that.

He said to me that when i am emotional i need to validate my emotion, feel it in my body, write down stuff if i need to and distract myself.

I left the session feeling okay but need to work on a few things.  i am sure he will help me at next session.

He told me today that he is proud of me and that i am improving (but you know i couldn't even accept the praise) i started to say no and not accept it but then i was angry and upset beause i should have validated what he was saying.  I did apologise and did say thank you to him for acknowledge my improvement even though i can't see it.

For him to say that i must be improving even if it's slightly it's still an improvement.  But i feel that because this week was a crisis to me then i am not improving.

I am looking forward to a break from work next week and a break from home life as well.  Going to take it easy and not have any expetations on my husband.

I hope i can do it - expectations are hard and i struggle with so much negativity. But i can't let my mum keep winning, i need to live my life.  I think moving into the next stage of my life is scary and maybe that's why i fear so much.??? not sure.

[Decadian]

Hi again @BlueBay

We are going through similar things at the same time - I live in Melbourne's Bayside Area too

I know that being told you are getting better is hard to believe - and you don't feel it - better than what?

Of all the things we struggle with in our journey "mother issues" have to take the cake. Our mother's voice is the first one we hear - in utero - and for that time we are totally dependent on her - and whatever she does in her life affects us in some way - good or bad -

And the good things may not stay with us - and the bad things can stay forever - but neither of us want that - I know you want to get past it all as much as I want to get past it

But I do have the insight that comes with years - one reason I chose the name Decadian - I have had decades of living - and as a child - even as a young adult - I could leave my family home to go to work, night school - whatever I could find - but to find myself I had to leave home and make my own - and in time - walk away from my mother and her fears and control and carping. It was not healthy there - and even through my adult years I could hear my mother in my head - and when she died I found that I had accepted who she was in the adult part of my brain - but deep down some lost little child still hoped - still wanted - to talk to my mother as two adults - and I know that could never have happened.

I forgave my mother a long time ago - even though there was never healing between us - forgiving is easy - forgetting is not - so I think - I just think - I might know why revenge is so there for you - so important - and equally - so impossible

But equally I know you can't let go of this easily. I think you have had this idea for a long time - since you were a child - and this is hard to give up - I know that

I would never belittle the way you feel. I know the way I feel. I know my mother found herself out of her depth with the strange chicken she found in her nest - the chicken the rest of the family found so interesting. I am still so angry with her - so I do understand -

So through this different medium - the internet - we are talking to each other about very similar things - and I am not going to say you have to stop - you already know that - I am going to tell you that it is hard - but possible

I had better stop here -

Best thoughts @BlueBay

[eth]

@BlueBay They sound like a really good therapist - combination of listening, positive feedback and challenging.  I miss having that in my life but am starting the process of getting it again.  So glad they were able to see you today after last week and before you go away.  I love what you said at the end about not letting your mum 'keep on winning'.  She doesn't deserve so much of your energy and emotion.  Hope you don't mind me saying that.  

Wishing you a peaceful day.  I am not well so will need to rest soon.

[BlueBay]

Hi @eth

I hope you are okay and got to have some rest.  No prob with what you wrote about my mum. I sometimes write things like what I did - she can't keep winning - i need to believe in myself and what i say.

That's the hard bit because she's my mum, my blood.

[Silenus]

Power...

A thing that people become obsessed with...

Power over others. Power over our selves.

All of our life is filled with relationships. Our parents. Our siblings. Our children. Our extended family. Our friends. Our acquaintances. Our bosses. Our work colleagues. Our online buds. Our strangers...

All of it, relationships that we have with other people. And then there's that most complicated of relationships - the one we have with our selves...

All of it often revolves around power, whether we are aware of it consciously or accept it subconsciously...

It's about the balance of power. But most importantly, it's about realising that nobody truly has power over you until you yourself give them that power...

Similarly, internally, the negative or positive aspects of yourself only have the power over you that you give them...

Power...

The power to heal or hurt, love or hate, nurture or tear down...

Once you realise that you yourself have the power, and it is yours to take for yourself or give to another in all of the myriad intricate ways that we build relationships, that is the time that you awaken to your true potential, and realise that no other person, not even those closest to you, can hurt you...

We give people the power to hurt us. Our ego, our sense of self, feels hurt by not getting their way or by being neglected or slighted in thousands of ways by those around us, and even by ourselves...

What is hurt? Hurt is when you give someone the power to hurt you, and through ignorance or malicious intent, they use that given power to hurt you...

This is not to say that you should make a stone of your heart. That is a horrible way to live, with a stony unbeating heart. Do not be so miserly with the portioning out of your power that you always remain alone, stony and isolated...

But realise that people are people, and we all make a huge number of mistakes in our lives. Watch out for people who deliberately hurt - they do exist, and can do much harm (but often they hurt others because they themselves are in ignorant pain) - but also watch out for the bumbling ones that didn't mean it...

It all comes back to our perception. How much hurt do we feel from a particular action or inaction of someone we have a relationship with? Do we let that hurt define the relationship, or do we move beyond and above the hurt, by realising that we are the ones who decide how much "hurt" hurts?

I hope this latest ramble helps someone. It has helped me hugely in my own life journey.

Hugs and happy vibes beaming to you all...

[BlueBay]

Hey @Silenus

I read your post and I think I get.   I;m sorry I struggle when i have to read a long post because i lose concentration and then get angry with myself because i don't understand it.  And then i feel bad in saying to whoever (you) that i don't understand or can't remember what i wrote. It's stupid isn't it?

@Silenus you say
Once you realise that you yourself have the power, and it is yours to take for yourself or give to another in all of the myriad intricate ways that we build relationships, that is the time that you awaken to your true potential, and realise that no other person, not even those closest to you, can hurt you...

      I think i don't have power; i am not strong. But if i did have strength then i wouldn't be giving my mum the power to keep hurting me.  i wouldn't be letting my mum hurt me and get to me so much??? (is that what you mean, not sure if it makes sense)

@Silenus you say
It all comes back to our perception. How much hurt do we feel from a particular action or inaction of someone we have a relationship with? Do we let that hurt define the relationship, or do we move beyond and above the hurt, by realising that we are the ones who decide how much "hurt" hurts?

   So, for eg. my mum again - how do i let the relationship be okay (if we ever reconciled again) and not let her hurt me again. She does it all the time.