Just checking in.

[Zoe7]

I have gone through stages in my life where I have been around other people @CheerBear but I always seem to get super hurt so I made a very conscious choice to not let that happen again. I spent so much time when I was young being on my own - mostly locked away in my bedroom or at my grandparents to be away from Dad and the other people in my street that had hurt me for so long. I guess I learnt at a young age that the only one that could really protect me was me.

I did have friends in my 20s that I used to do a lot with and also did a lot with the people I played sport with - but behind the scenes there was the ongoing abuse from my partner so I definitely could be in a room full of people and still feel very much alone.

The dichotomy here is that I am really good with people despite me not wanting much to do with them. I can mix with/talk to people from all walks of life and more than hold my own in a social setting when I need to - I just don't want to be in that situation anymore. My pdoc and psych both thought I was on my own because of anxiety but it is not the case - it is how I have protected myself from any more trauma - and rightly or wrongly it has worked for me.

I know that as humans we do need some form of social connections but I find that through work - and to me that is okay. I love seeing the kids achieve things and it gives me pleasure when they have those little a-ha  moments. Then I come home to the peace and quiet (and safety) of my home with my fur babies - and that is enough for me.

[Faith-and-Hope]

💜👋💕 @Sans911 ..... pile in with the lemurs too Hon.

[CheerBear]

And @outlander - noticed you around also. Lemurs aplenty ❤🦝🦡 (my new emoji set doesn't include a lemur yet so a cross between badger and raccoon will have to do 😉😘)

@Zoe7 totally hearing you with all of what you've shared and thanks for sharing your thoughts. I hope it was OK for you to. I can see you being really good with people but can also see how we can become kind of wired to protect ourselves because of our histories and that means a need to take time away too. It's lovely to have meaningful and good-feeling social contact, like you have through the kids and through work (at least this work) but that you also have a safe haven bubble to nest and recharge in 🙂❤

[Zoe7]

@CheerBear We all need some social contact but I really am okay in my own little bubble. It does not stop me doing some things - like work - but it is okay that I like being on my own also. This world is made up of many different and varied people and we all have our own boundaries in respect to what we are and are not comfortable with. Some of that is as a result of our history and sometimes that is a choice. I know my history has preciptated my choice but my eyes are wide open that that is my choice - and therein lies the difference. 

[Teej]

@Zoe7  I can relate to what you said about having that safe space on your own. I have a feeling that it comes a bit with age and being ok in your own space....not that I have my own space much still. 

I am so confused over friendships/ relationships now. I’ve run away from them. 

[Zoe7]

@Teej I don't see it as running away from them necessarily but more knowing what we can and can't deal with and what we are willing to accept in our lives. Maybe that is a little to do with age but with that comes experience and why would we continue to put ourselves in situations that could bring on any pain or hurt when we can be by ourselves or in our own space and feel comfortable with that. I think the key there is what we are comfortable with and if we consciously make that decision to be more on our own then that is okay.

[Teej]

Sorry @Zoe7 . I didn’t mean you have run away from them. I can see you distinguishing it as a choice. I think in my own head I don’t know what it is yet. I feel like it’s something for me to work at until I make a choice about it. I think you have done really well to identify it in the terms you have. That’s what I hope to one day. 

Ive just come back from a psych session and am brain dead but also buzzing with stuff in my head. 

[Zoe7]

I didn't take it as you saying I was running away from them @Teej but could certainly see how it could be perceived that way by others. I think that is the way my pdoc and psych see it but they also can't see that it is how I want it to be - not everyone needs people around them all the time and I am certainly one of those people.

It sounds like you have a lot going on in your head after your session - more than happy to listen (read) if you need to unload 

[Teej]

The good thing about choices @Zoe7  is we can change them or not as life goes on. 

My stuff is a little different and I’m not sure if I’m the only person who feels/works like this. I am struggling with my conscience over some of the legal stuff I’m dealing with. I don’t have feelings for my ex anymore but am struggling with the prospect of him having to vacate our property and  sell it. It will hurt him and whilst I don’t love him I don’t want him hurt either. I really suck at holding a grudge and self sacrifice so others don’t hurt. Here is the strange part. It doesn’t bother me much if I suffer because of him. It’s like empathy for others trumps everything. This is not a valiant trait by any means and it’s hard for me to change. Those around me keep telling me what I’m entitled to and it’s so hard to accept if others get hurt in the process. My psych kept saying it was because I was so kind but I don’t see myself as kind at all. I don’t see myself as mean but maybe caring more than kind. 

[Zoe7]

I totally understand where you are coming from @Teej You know you are personally not in a good position but the thought of anyone else being hurt to change the position you are in means that you feel bad about having to go down that road. That is a super hard position to be in. Your psych is right that you are being too kind, and other people are also right that you are entitled to some of what you both built together. None of that takes away you caring for your ex's welfare - that empathy for others does not change when faced with such major decisions. You are entitled to what you are entitled to though Hon and your ex needs to live within what he is entitled to - that is not your problem as much as you can see how difficult it will be for him. You have had to battle for some time yourself and your deserve what you are entitled to. You are not asking for the world here - just your fair share - and that is okay.