Hello!

Thanks for sharing.

Just a bit of background: I'm in the same boat - I have also just been diagnosed with ADHD and autism. I've been working on my trauma (c-PTSD), which has caused me depression and anxiety (my original diagnoses from over a decade ago), but nothing seems to be working. I looked more closely into ADHD and autism, and found that I could relate. Then I pursued getting a proper diagnosis to get another basis for different types of treatment. And here I am today, "experimenting". 

I've also lost many connections in the last few years. My saving grace, funnily enough, is my avoidant behaviour, which seems to have taken over. So in that sense, I haven't really felt as lonely - because I have "enjoyed" being bothered less by others (I'm a people-pleaser too!). But if I look at myself from a third person perspective, I somehow know that I have a pretty company-less existence. At times, I definitely feel the pangs of being un-lovable too, especially in the romantic sense.

Something that has definitely helped me is understanding that there are many forms of love. That it can come from many different sources, and manifest in many different ways. I am often reminded of self-love - I'm STILL having to work on it - but that is one love that I realise I can cultivate (even if slowly).

One thing I'm really grateful for: my dog! Even if he seems to love everybody, he has plenty of affection for me. I appreciate that when he gets scared or when he is unsure, I'm his go-to person. I love caring for him, and he often reminds me of the small things in life that make a difference (from smelling the roses, taking a break, or having a bit of a play). 

So, if I have one advice, it'll be to start with yourself - just understanding what you need/ want to begin with. Then trying to fulfil those - even if one-by-one, even if not exactly. One day, it does begin to feel better. 

It doesn't quite end there - it's a continual process. But it's like going up a ladder (going up with progress), rather a never-ending hamster-wheel.

I'm also still trying to grasp this completely. But I hope it is somewhat helpful to you, as well.