Hi @Powderfinger
You are having a bad time - I have been reading your posts but I needed to care for myself and because one of my shoulders was operated on I couldn't use my computer for long and I never text easily - I read what you wrote and thought about it - and considered a reply
What you are going through sounds similar to my story with my mother - she was a mysterious and tricky person and did a lot of the things your mother did - and yes - after a few years of trying to explain myself I decided I didn't need to do that and left my family and it was the best thing I could have done for myself but I was miserable - you would think an adult could live their own life without their parents interferring - just see each other for birthdays and Christmas and have a good time would be enough - but really - they totally wiped me and I was out for years
Enough of my story - I do hear the similarities to yours though. It doesn't matter how hard you try - whatever you do - whatever decisions you make - it's always wrong because there is no right way that will suit them - it's a puzzle - and I hear you
What can you do? I got on well with my father and so luckily I had the chance to have a good conversation with him before he died and I was vindicated and he seemed to die in peace - my mother went on for four years after him and she was really horrible to me and I left her in the care of my sister - and I could do this in good conscience because I knew my mother was in good care
But it was hard - and I think some families are so toxic that if one member has a different idea of how to live their adult life then - as I did - as you have done - it's best to go it alone but it is so hard - and I believe I did nothing to earn the status of outsider but there I was - and now - I do not have anything to do with my toxic siblings
I guess what you have to ask yourself is do you like yourself better with your family or without them - for me - definitely better alone - I have very few people in my life apart from friends - my daughter and her family - but small numbers can be enriching
I know it's lonely - and it seems you tend to give and give but the pain does not ease for you - I think you are depressed - you seem to be - and you could use some professional help
People here really care for you - I know I do - I am sure the lock-down has made all of this harder
I wish you the best - I guess you need to find your feet in a different world without your family - and as I did this in the past - I know it's a hard choice and hard to be so misunderstood by the family who one would imagine would love you unconditionally - but it happens if you want to be yourself and not what they want you to be
All the best Ramble - keep in touch
Dec
