Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

@Maggie hi. 

You have always replied to and supported many of my posts. I truly value that. It is only just last night that I started to question why you feel you have nothing to offer? Only you know the answer to that. 

What I'm writing about here and going through is beyond any words I can describe. The pain ripping through me everyday is more than I can cope with. 

There are reasons I'm not seeing my therapist right now. One, I'm tired of being told when and how I should be going through that process. I decide that, no one else. This is MY journey. Two, because I'm not ready to disclose this in any therapy sessions. It's going to be when IM READY and not before. No one has any right to decide when that will be for me. 

The reason I am writing here is because at this point it is the only place I truly feel safe. I don't feel safe anywhere else on a daily basis. You may or may not know, this can be a very lonely journey. I feel alone everyday. At night when I go to bed, I try find stories of other people who have been through similar. 

I do that to perhaps not feel so alone, to try find hope when I feel none and to try find someone who I can relate to. 

My point being here is,. nobody can fix nor save anyone. I'm thinking if you perhaps share some if what you have been through too, it may be healing for both of us in different ways? 

I will leave that with you to think about. 

Ramble ♥️

[Maggie]

@Powderfinger  I try to keep ‘me’, out of others peoples threads. I go to ‘try’ to support those whose journeys I can identify with.

So much of what you write, I understand, coming from a very abusive childhood, and adulthood. It took me 50 years to try to find my voice. It comes and goes.

You are right about so much of what you are working through. It is your journey, in your time, at your pace, with whoever you choose to share it with.

To say it’s a hell of a ride, is pale, so yes, I know the insane/crazy feelings and fears that go with it. Sometimes, or more often than not, there are no words of comfort. I have felt the opposite in fact, when well wishers, unintentionally, can make things worse.

I think the aloneness of the journey can feel cruel, or worse. But how do you let someone inside such deep crushing pain. I can push people away when I need them the most.

I think I’m just hoping to help you feel not so alone by listening and not saying much. It’s about you, not me.

Take care of yourself.

[Powderfinger]

@Maggie 

I understand now that you've explained things. At the moment, I'm literally knocked off my feet with all of it. Today I have cried a bit. It's been over two weeks since I last cried. I'm tired, ALL OF THE TIME. 

I can relate to finding your voice. I can also relate to well wishers unintentionally making things worse. Sometimes it is very necessary to protect myself as I'm on an edge and one tiny push could send me to jump. Protecting myself means locking myself away to stay safe until I can cope. 

I'm starting to ask myself what am I going through this for anymore. I have no quality of life. I'm so sad and unhappy. I have no joy. I'm lower than the bottom of the ocean and immensely struggling to find any meaning. 

Ultimately yes, it is my journey. I have no doubt that your life was beyond what words can do justice. Thanks for sitting with me and listening. 

Ramble. 

[Powderfinger]

Post 3

I finally had a shower yesterday, it took me four days to do it. I seem to only be able to be up and about for two hours before I want to go back to bed really. I was going to shower today again, did not get there  I'm not interested in doing anything about that at this point. I feel invisible, like I have felt my entire life. I feel unheard, like I have felt my entire life. I am so tired of it, that I just have absolutely no energy to make myself visible nor make myself feel heard anymore. Its just too exhausting to even try. That is the thing though, I was invisible and I was unheard. I was told to be quiet and I wasn't asked what could be wrong when something was wrong. I was taught that I really was of no importance at all. If I got upset ever, I was selfish. Its only recently dawned on me at my age of 41 how much damage that did to me. I am actually realising how damaged I am. Its not meant negatively, I am a very damaged person. 

When it comes to my mother it is actually hard to define whether I hate her as a person or whether I hate that she chose to abuse me horrifically for such a long time. I am not able to answer that question yet. What I do feel is immense rage and anger towards her. Sometimes I have short conversations in my head and I swear at her and call her derogatory names. I could never be physically violent and them sometimes when I do call her names in my mind and swear at her in my head, I feel sadness but also not bad for doing so. I remember her smart ass attitude when I would say to her I need to talk to you about something that hurt me. She would say OK, is this something I have done now or something I did ages ago? It was confusing to me. Was she interested in hearing it or was she saying it like it was an inconvenience that I was brining up something that hurt me either from the present or the past. I could never work it out?

I also saw no real necessity for it, when she told me something I actually had zero memory of. She told me when I was six years old, that we were walking and she said I kept pestering her about something. She told me that day she physically assaulted me, that caused me to be injured. She also said that on that day she told me not to tell my father that she had physically assaulted me. I had no memory of that. The thing is that was all she said about it. There was no genuine sorry at all, no responsibility taken for it and clearly a complete disregard for how I might of felt with her telling me that. Then there was just silence. I certainly dont recall saying anything. I must have stuffed down my feelings. My feelings had never been acknowledged anyway, so what was the point of saying anything? How does one forget being told that by their mother? I wish she hadn't even told me. 

Wo would have cared if I had told my father anyway, he was abusing me too. What would he care? My entire life of abuse by both of them was the constant messaging, do not tell. Some parents think it's OK to hit their kids. I do not agree with it. I do not have kids of my own, but I could not hit my children. I know how I felt when I was being hit. It wasn't just a slap on the hand or a brief hiding, it was degrading physical punishment. The severe punishment far outweighed any wrong doing and they both successfully put so much fear into me. When I get to this part of my life, it is hard. I clam up at times as I am embarrassed about going into any detail about what was done. It felt humiliating to me. I will never understand how either of them could do that to their child and more so how you could look into the face of a tiny child who had done nothing wrong to warrant such punishment and inflict harm like they did. I do not care IF that is what got done to them as children, they were adults and they still made a choice to do it. I know and remember I was such a beautiful and loving child with a heart of gold. I would never have harmed a fly. I am disgusted that they did this. 

They robbed me of my childhood that I cannot get back and there is no remorse from either of them. As it stands today, although my father is still alive. I have had nothing to do with him for 11 years now. A brief period of a few days when I was 35 but didnt see him and nothing after that. It will be 1 year on December 1st this year that I cut all contact with my mother and just a bit longer that I have had no contact with my younger sister. That was all I had, and no extended family.  

Last year, I put down a strong boundary that in the event that my father has die, is dying or is gravely ill, I am not to be notified whatsoever. If my boundary is violated and I receive anything of that nature, it will go ignored. I quite frankly dont care. I have nothing to say to him nor nothing to offer him. Although he is still alive, to me he doesnt actually exist. I buried him already. There is nothing I need nor want from him and there is nothing he can do nor say to make up for the hell I lived in and the damage it caused. Of course he would never admit nor even think he did anything wrong. He is perfect. As my mother told me, when I was 12 years old, right in front of him. Your father does not love you. What does any 12 year old say to that and not take it on internally. His actions proved her right most of the time. I thought it was my fault. Like I had done something wrong to cause him not to love me. It took me a good 18 years to realise it wasnt my fault. I wish someone had spoken to me as a 12 year old and set the record straight as 18 years went by, so came with it a lot of extra damage and more abuse when I was just wanting my dad to love me. 

I think I will stop here now, continue another time. This has been draining to write. 

[Powderfinger]

Post 4. 

More often than not, especially so these last few days as I've been writing, I feel so disgusted by both parents. Words come to mind, sick, cruel and twisted. I don't even identify with anger not rage, just pure disgust. I think sometimes does what I went through warrant justice? I don't even know. I'm so tired. I feel this unbelievable amount if pain that I want to escape from. It's too much carrying it all day, everyday. The intense flashbacks. A smell, certain type of weather, sound or a number of other things could trigger a flashback. I just need some peace from it. 

I think what I am feeling is what I perhaps what I would have wanted when it was happening. For someone to stand up for me when I couldn't, and fir someone to hold both of them accountable. I had three partners in particular, who did stand up for me. It was messy for me, each and every time. The first time, my mother flew into an absolute rage. I had gone out the night before with my then partner. 

I was struggling with a few things that night. At the time I had moved in with my mum for a bit and we worked at the same place. Disaster. Never again. So, it was a "work night". Oh no, shock horror I'm an adult I can do what I like. I got in quite late. I was quite upset and went to bed. I had all intentions if going to work in the morning. I woke up in the morning and decided to take the day off. My mother came into my room and said it's time to get up for work. I told her I was taking the day off. 

The next thing she flew into an absolute rage. When my mother flew into her rages, she was extremely frightening to be around and could say extremely cutting things. Talk back and she could get physically violent. I really didn't like her at all in those times and I'd been abused by her for so many years at that stage. 

Anyhow, she left for work without me. I must have rang my partner in tears to let her know what happened. She was absolutely livid with my mother. It was so long ago now. Anyhow, my mother got home from work and her anger had not subsided. I can't remember how it happened but she told me to get out. She told me to leave. I had to pack and go. I didn't know where I was going to go. It was a few days before my birthday which I had plans for. As a result of her asking me to leave, my birthday plans needed to be cancelled as it was being held at my mother's place. Too much shirt notice to change things. Not the first birthday she ruined. It hurt a lot. 

Luckily I had one of my friends down the road who was in my fire brigade. He knew me pretty well. I called him once I left and said I need a place to stay. I told him my mothee asked me to leave. Thankfully he gave me a place to stay. I was also good friends with the head boss and his wife in my brigade and they planbed a beautiful.birthday party for me. 

I was very blessed that time around. Although, I was devastated with what she had done and my partner was extremely angry when she found out. I don't know why she did this. Trying to make sense if many things she did, is mostly futile for me. Often, I keep reminding myself, stop attempting to understand her. That is not your problem. All you need to focus in is you, how you are, how you are going. I have to remind myself often because I spent my life trying to understand her. I don't know why I'm ever felt that would be useful to me or to her. I will leave it here. 

I hope people are still here listening. 

[Powderfinger]

Post 5.

I have no idea if anything ne is listening besides @Maggie .

Tonight is beyond hard. I'm.not coping whatsoever. I do not want to talk to any helplines. I just don't want to deal with explaining things to a stranger right now. 

I have a lot of anger inside me. I don't feel that way all the time. It comes and it goes. pparently underneath anger is hurt and I can attest to that. A whole lot of hurt. Ultimately, the truth is what family I had left us gone. There is no connection. That is very sad. 

There are times when I think of going back. Then I think what is their to go back for? It's my own sad reality. I keep.thinling, perhaps wanting even one reason that Iay have missed somewhere to keep.trying. it's too hard to see when you are in a lot of pain and the trash is forefront more than anything else. 

That and also the fact that no effort has been made to get in touch with me to genuinely see how I am and have no other agenda besides that. 

I suppose there is another element to all this. The complete dissolvsncy of what was once a family. Not a very healthy one, but a family. Then I do know that my sister and mother would see one another. That I cannot even deal with at this point. My head and heart just cannot go there. My sister isn't alone and neither is my mother. I am. No family and no extended family. 

There is also the recent development of filling out forms. No known next of kin. Never had that to deal with before. I don't let my head nor heart go there yet either. 

Time and time again, I ask myself, did I make the right choice to cut contact? It was a hard decision in the first place, having to still ask myself 11 months later gets really annoying. I only cut contact with my mother, I knew already my sister would follow. 

I've noticed if on any odd occassion I am talking about my mother, if anyone puts her down that I go straight to her defense. I guess I got used to do it growing up. I'm teaching myself that I no longer need to do that anymore. It's not my fault that people do it. I don't put the words in their mouth or mind. My mother could not handle it if someone bad mouthed her in trying to protect me I guess. It was all my fault. I guess also defending her was a protection mechanism for me. Try smooth things over so I did not get into trouble. It went in for years and it was incredibly toxic and abusive. 

My mother is a confusing person. She can have a sweet side too. But, still confusing. For instance, Ii was once really sick. Strong ggled to do my housework. I had done most of it, besides mopping the floor. So, my mother calls to ask how I am and so on. I tell her I'm sick and struggling a bit. She said you should of called me so I could help you. I never ask my mother for anything. I gave up on that a long time ago. So, I decide to take her offer and ask if she can just come look my floor. Seriously a ten minute job. She was nice and said of course. 

The day she comes around, she is in a fowl mood and is going on about people not helping her when she needs it. She is do busy with work and other things. I started to feel bad in myself, but angry too. It was a complete guilt trip and so manipulative. Not to mention just basically cruel. But no, she is perfect as Nd don't dare call her out. This happened so much in my life, that it caused so much damage. 

Why don't I talk about it. Because it gets minimised and excused. Just more abuse on top.of existing abuse. I also got tired if trying to find anything ne I could trust enough to not do that to me. 

[Maggie]

@Powderfinger  Sending some 💕💕💕

[Powderfinger]

@Maggie thank you. 

😭

[Maggie]

@Powderfinger 💙💙💙

[Powderfinger]

@Maggie