having a bad morning

[eth]

@BlueBay Sorry but I have to go out for a while and take care of some chores I've been avoiding for over a week but I will check in with you when I get back.  Hang in there and let your tears flow freely.  Hoping you will make that call to the psych doctor about what is going on for you.

[Decadian]

Thanks for telling us about the outpatients' programme @BlueBay

It sounds very helpful - and it will get you in touch with your feelings - and it is okay to feel all that emotion

Just horrible.

Sadness - sorrow - revenge -anger -  guilt - thankfulness for your family - all part of your life - and I know from life itself there is so much more

So you feel these things - why not? You don't want to - but here we are

I hope you can stay with the programme for a while - can you take a day off work once a week - or even a fortnight - to recharge yourself and know the people who will see you cry and understand and physically hug you?

That would be so great

Tell us more about the programme - it's better to have a day here and there in an out-patients' programme than spend time as an in-patient -

Sorry about the Life-Line Chat and your computer crashing - mine does that everytime the Security System starts. Do you talk to Life Line?

I do - as often as I need to. After my mother died I rang Life Line - often - like several times in the same day - and that's okay - people do

You are not alone - I promise you that - life is not easy and it is not a good thing to keep our darker feelings secret - they do not go away

Thinking of you

Decadian

[BlueBay]

I've driven to the beach. Sitting in the car alone watching the waves thinking of my life.

[Faith-and-Hope]

I am sitting by the river having a coffee, looking for dolphins that are sometimes here ...
The river is calm this morning, except for where a school of fish are leaping away from
a pelican swimming through them.

Water has so much energy, but it can be so peaceful too.

[Decadian]

@BlueBay

IMO you haven't saidd anything here that you warrent the moderators wanting you off - this seems to be the place where you share your feelings and through the medium of writing let go and work your way through all the sh*t to find a better place

But the memories won't go away - this is what I am learning - how to live my life without my feelings toward my mother not destroying what I have left of my life

And I have a readership - there are a lot of people who read what I write - and this can be poetry and short-stories - my life - in all it's different moods - has given me a vast background to call on

But as for my mother - she was very hard on me - physically and emotionally abusive - and you are definitely allowed to feel everything you feel

But don't let it destroy you - everyone here is being supportive to me - and I have my anniversary coming up - and everyone has a story - but each story is valuable - each story teaches people - each story has a lot to say

You are important to me - and I can tell - you are important to everyone who writes about this here

Decadian

[BlueBay]

Thank you @Decadian

Hugs to you.  xxxooo

[eth]

Hi @BlueBay Are you still at the beach?  Did you get your toes in the sand?  Splash your face with salt water?  The elements are so good for you.  I've done my chores at last which feels good.  Thought of you often while I was out.  How are you going now?

[BlueBay]

No @eth I stayed in my car at the beach for about 1/2 hour.  I didn't leave the car.  Just sat and watched the waves and thinking abuot my life.

That's good you got to do your chores.  I have put on casserole in the slow cooker so that's cooking nicely.

While at the beach I phoned the pysch that i saw the other day.  I left a message but he hasn't got back to me yet.

Also, I have made an appt for tomorrow morning to see my regular therapist that I have seen for 5 years.  He had a cancellation for 10am so he called me to go in tomorrow.

Feeling flat, not doing much at home.  Dinner's done, washings outside, swept the floor.  So now I will have a rest and do nothing.

I have let some more tears out just before; i must say i do feel better when the tears are out.  So much pent up emotions still inside, but slowly they are coming out.

[Faith-and-Hope]

If that session was a powerful uncorking of some long-term bottled up motions, you might be tears for a few more days yet while they keep rising to the surface and spilling out @BlueBay .  We call it "leaking" in our house.  You might be a bit leaky for a while yet, and that's okay, it's good.  Leak all over us 😊

When you are ready, keep going back for some more of that therapy.  It sounds really good for you, and I'm glad someone gave you a hug on your first day.  That was really welcoming.  

[eth]

Hi @BlueBay sounds like you are being much gentler on yourself about what you're going through today.  And you got your chores done too!  I've just been reading your "Two different people" thread and see that a few people have given you really wise answers that I agree with.  Hope that is helping too.  Glad to hear you get to see your long-time therapist tomorrow.  Once again I encourage you to let yourself go and tell them everything.  That's the best way they can help you the most.

Have a lovely peaceful rest 🙂