Hey there @Blue13 🌺🙂
im really sorry to hear this is happening.
It sounds quite frightening for you.
I have a history of trauma, and I found that I would get really actively angry (as in uncontrolled rage/fear-fight sensation) if things weren’t going right.
it was always where I was pushed outside my comfort zone or into a sense of insecurity or threat of loss.
As a tall strong/fit woman, I was very damaging to objects if I was pushed past my very small window of tolerance - mainly because I yet didn’t understand myself very well, and why I had such low thresholds, or what I was so afraid of that kept me just sub-fight/flight 24/7.
I grew to learn that the volatility of environments I had been in firstly gave me this exact blueprint to use as my own stock standard for behaviour, and secondly my own insecurity of person/possessions/relationships was developed from this environment.
I slowly learned what my topics of emotional sensitivity were (ToES - a term I use as an alternate to the word ‘trigger’, because I do not like that word to describe emotional sensitivity/heightening - it’s a term that has been applied to and not supportive of or for people who have experienced trauma, imho - especially when that trauma includes firearms), and from there I then used that knowledge to take action: I would either withdraw from a situation to go think it through first before I said anything when I could feel I was losing control of my feelings and my body was going from 1 straight to 1000 in terms of fight/flight/scream/yell/destroy to ‘protect’ myself; I would tell others I can’t cope and can they write down what they want to communicate instead, while leaving out anything personally opinionated about me, and I will calm down and objectively reply when I can; or I if I was really on my ToES I would go sprinting on a field till exhausted or to a local boxing gym where I lived and punch the bag for an hour or so.
I literally needed to expel the physical energy that came with such intense ToES experiences, otherwise it just seemed to go back into its weak cage, waiting for the next time it would escape.
I reflected a lot about who I was, what I wanted in life, and rehearsed in my mind the different ways I wanted to respond. I realised that I was not a product of my environment; I was my own person, and I could overcome what I had been taught by observing others (I saw how other young people were treated by their parents, and I then knew that what I experienced was not the norm nor what I deserved).
I was able to change the patterns I had in my behaviour, by also realising that I was actually not under an elusive threat 24/7, and that I could learn to trust myself and others.
I’m still an angry kind of person, but that angry is my fuel which I turn into really constructive things, by using the energy to motivate me to do the things I love, which is advocacy, helping people, and learning new things.
you’re not alone - and please don’t ever thing lesser of yourself because of the current fallout happening from what you’ve been through 🙂🙌🏻🌺
I have hope for you, and that things will change for so much the better with a bit of reflection and support 💜🙂🌺
