Experiencing Trouble with Contimination OCD - Looking for others that may have the same issue

[anewhope]

I suffer from a severe case of contamination ocd, my day to day quality of life is getting worse. 

I have a huge fear of contaminating anything that I own, I get very stressed when I am at work and people touch my desk. Mostly I get extremely stressed when anything has come in contact with cigerettes. It is easily my biggest fear and my most hated contamination.

My extent of it at work involves replacing my keyboard after someone that smokes has touched it. I wipe down my whole desk, keyboard and mouse constantly.

The guy that sits next to me smokes and I get very tense about watching where he sits or rests his hands. I have hawk eyes and a fantastic lay accurate memory to remembering what bothers me most so I never miss anything that could contaminate my area and my things.

Approximately 8 years ago I started getting ocd with cars, everytime I found a fault with it (maybe a hard to repair dent or a a bad repair) I would sell it. I did this many times and it cost me and my finance a lot of money.

People would tell me not to do it and just be happy but I never understood why I took the decision I did against common sense. It made others feel like I didn't respect or care for what help and advice they offered. 

In the end I was approximately 60k owing to the bank from money accumulated while selling cars for cheap to move on (like washing Ur a hands asap to feel clean).

I've been stressing myself clearing off a lot of stuff to sell for this house deposit and having lots of people come over to buy things I didn't want to bring to the house was very stressful. 

The part where my life has never been the same since was 4 weeks ago when someone came over to buy something and had a lit cigerette in his hand about 3metres from the house. I by mistake had the front door open and felt like the whole front rooms were filthy.

I had just built a new gaming pc and this was in one of those rooms, I couldn't physically touch it and I ended up selling it (I wouldn't even sit it on the floor, it had to be on cardboard).

This was a point of anger, frustration and a huge invasion on what i had worked very hard for and it was contaminated.

Currently my triggers are

 -having to shower after work (deu to someone having smoked and sat in my seat or touched any of my keyboard/mouse)

 -washing clothes after 1 day of work

 -having to wash after washing if I touch the tap head or edge of shower

 -having to shower if I have touched any door frames, walls or certain floor surfaces

 -feeling like I couldn't touch anything that has come in contact with someone that smokes or something that touched something that someone who smoked touched

- if I feel like I haven't showered properly going from top to feet

- not feeling comfortable touching raw food and boxed food that others may have touched

- doubts buying brand new items in doubts that workers have smoked when they have been handling the boxes and the items inside it

For me at this stage I am scared that exposure therapy will try make me feel comfortable around cigerattes when in my heart I will never be comfortable with it even without the ocd.

[Former-Member]

Hey there @anewhope thanks so much for sharing your story on the forums. Managing the stress of OCD is no easy feat and it definitely sounds as though some of these patterns are having a huge effect on your functioning.You are not alone here, many of our members have experience with OCD, so this is definitely a safe space to feel heard You mentioned at the end of the post you are considering exposure therapy? Have you seen any other Counsellor's or spoken to a GP about these symptoms? I know a few of our members have spoken about the success of Behavioural Therapy in managing their symptoms.

Let us know how you're feeling since posting 🙂 The community is here to listen.

[anewhope]

Thanks very much for your reply. I do appreciate it.

I was a little bit concerned with exploring Exposure Therapy as in the back of my mind the smoking part was something I know I will always not be happy with.

I have spoken to Beyond Blue and Converge so far, but I feel as yet I really need to sit down and talk to someone. The 2 calls did help, but I feel didn't quite feel as personalised that I would presume you get when building a relationship with a councellor. 

I find certain days I am bothered less, moreso I seem to be bothered mostly at home (my impulses are triggered mainly when I am in my house).

I still have some triggers at work when people have touched my things, but I am ok with non smoking people touching it.

For some reason I know if my partner washes her hands (without having to shower) I trust her to touch things without a feeling of cross contiminating, yet I don't trust my hand washing.

I am quite confident it is the rental property that we are in at the moment which is causing the biggest issues. I have a feeling I am walking through a trash dump (even though the house is very clean) and I am very careful not to touch anything even though I know its "clean".

I found one spot in the house which I swear smelt like cigerettes and ended up calling my partner in a stressful anxiety/panic attack and located myself in one corner of the house which I still know is clean till she came home.

I take extremely good care of the things I own, as a result I am scared they will get damaged/contiminated and I would need to go through the whole process of selling it and buying a new one. This is the part I am scared the most as I really don't want to do anymore selling to then buy more things.

[anewhope]

Hey All,
Just a small update so far.
Saw a physiologist last friday who has been talking through a lot of things through me.

Before I even started to talk, he straight away taught me a fantastic example which I hope can bring some brightness to someone in the dark at the moment 😞

2 examples were presented
Think of a Blue Elephant in a room and for 1 minute try to remove it from your mind.

Now do the same exercise and bring up the thought of a Blue elephant, but this time for 1 minute don't act on it, don't try and remove it from your mind but just let it sit there, if your mind thinks about other things let it, if it thinks about the blue elephant don't put energy into focusing on it anymore than your mind requires but at the same time not trying to disregard it at the same time.

What I found was that with some breathing exercises (closing eyes, breathing in for 5 seconds through nose slowly, then 3 seconds pause then slowly breathe out from my mouth was a great coping mechanism).

What I found was it was much easier for the thoughts to be there and let them "sit" without actively encouraging them allowed my mind to find comfort and relief in the fact that I was in control still as I had the capability to be stronger than my OCD desires.

[anewhope]

Unfortuantely this week has been a worse week than the last few.

Someone rested on my desk who I know smokes (this was on my mat which I use to seperate my things from the desk as the previous person using my desk smoked)

So I do feel my personal space on my desk has been intruded on and do want to wash it asap (but at the same time want to leave it so I don't have to then wash my hands too many times)

[Seven]

Hi @anewhope how are you going?

I suffer from OCD intrusive thoughts and have had a real struggle with this over the years and its at a point where its distroying relationships. Anyways thats another story, I saw your post about the blue elephant, I tried it and it does work to some extent hey! 

Just thought I'd say hi and see if you are doing any better now that you have seen someone for help.

Look forward to hearing from you and discussing OCD a bit more. 

Cheers 

[NatureLover]

Hi @anewhope  and @Seven - am coming along a year after your last post to say I also have germophobia and have recently joined the forums. Are you still around? How are you doing?

[anewhope]

Hi  @NatureLover  and @Seven

Thank you so much for replying. I am sorry to hear that you also suffer from germophobia. 

If I can be honest my condition has got better and in some ways it has got worse. For me I still need to shower if I go to the letter box and back again.

I am on a SSRI medication at the moment and while it does help by masking the lows, it tends to mask the highs as well.

I have felt quite alone the last year and a half, as having to be so 'clean' all the time is exhausting.

How are you managing? I am hoping I will be able to provide some support for you by having someone else with the same thing.

Thanks for replying.

[NatureLover]

Hi @anewhope , it's good to see you. I'm sorry you're still suffering this, if you need to shower after visiting the letterbox. But you said that in other ways your contamination OCD has got better?

I too have a shower after work and wash my clothes. I wash my hands after going to the letterbox, as other people use it too. I agree, it's tiring having to wash so much. I tend to have a shower after my medical appointments instead of before, due to possible germs from the clinic or whatever...I know, it's back to front, lol. But generally I seem to manage OK with my routines. 

How are you with this Covid-19 scare? Surprisingly I'm OK so far - my germophobia is only at normal levels. You mentioned that your main concern is cigarette contamination, so maybe you are doing OK with the Covid-19 stuff?

[anewhope]

Hi NatureLover,
I am very sorry I haven't replied sooner.

Thanks very much for your reply I really do appreciate it.

With regards to getting better, its strange as the common sense part of my brain has developed more but in some ways I have learn't to fight myself over it more.

Even though I shower after an "event" that triggers me, it can take me 2 days for my brain to be comfortable with that area of my body.

For example if a smoker was to touch my shoulder (even though i had clothing as a barrier), it will take me a good 20 minutes washing (in particular that area. It literally feels like that area isn't mine anymore, or like there is an invisible sticker pulling at that surface.

My washing pattern starts at the top, and then down to my toes, and then I start at the top again. My assumption is that if I have cleaned myself well enough after cleaning top to bottom to my feet I am clean enough to wash my hair and repeat.

Could I please ask what your feeling is like when you hold back washing and what your feeling is like when you wash your hands? Do you feel "satisfied" or is the temptation to want to wash worse the more you wash (in a way the more unsure you have washed properly enough).

With regards to washing after work and washing your clothes, I'm really sorry to hear that you also have the same process.

I am glad to hear that you manage ok with your routines. As much as I wish you didn't have to go through the routines, I am glad you have been able to find something that helps you get through the day.

Thanks for asking regarding Covid19, suprisingly I am actually preferable to go through virus/germ side of things than cigarette contamination. I recently went to hospital for a family member that wasn't feeling well and I was more comfortable touching surfaces as I knew the hospital had such a good level of cleaning up after each patient than I did in a work situation that was most likely not cleaned as vigourously.

For the first time during the COVID19, it was for the first time comforting not being the one person in the office that was washing so much and for once I didn't seem the "odd one out".

Have you had any particular success in exposure therapy? For me it has unfortunately felt like things got worse as mine was triggered from a trauma.

Would you mind if I could ask your earliest moment your triggers felt like they set in? Mine were in my teenage years 😞