14th year house bound

[hiddenite]

No she was in too much of a hurry because its so late. She will be back in on Monday so I will try and say something then
thank you for caring for me Jacques. Particularly when you have your own problems.
I greatly appreciate your help j I will never take you for granted. Your friendship means too much to me.

I've had my night meds so im going ti bed now.
please remember that im always with you holding your hand. I want to be able to protect you.
good night my friend

[Jacques]

Good night my angel, only good dreams tonight, i am their holding your hand, and i will imagine you telling me to breath tonight, the last 2 nights i have just stared at the stars thinking you are one of them.

Thank you for being my friend and finding me again, you are such an angel.

Jacques

[hiddenite]

Good night Jacques I have a special place in my heart for you.

[PeppiPatty]

Great Photo @Jacques 

Love Anne

[Appleblossom]

@Jacques

I love your nature stories ... the mince fed fat magpie and lovely birds dancing in the spray while your shrubs are watered.

I love hearing about your putty prep on the doors and struggling to strip the bike.

I was taught in my counselling course when we reach out and say something it doesnt matter if it is not completely correct ... as it gives the other person an opportunity to say yes or no and clarify .... much better than being in a vacuum ... you have developed great trust and rapport with @hiddenite ...  she doesnt need you to be 100% spot on in every comment ... because your commitment already shows .... and the important thing is the sharing and having genuine conversations ...

Is that how it is for you @hiddenite ... tell me if I am wrong

I had some thoughts about your predicament and will share them but only take on board what seems right.

Personally I would stick to truth ... firmly and kindly ... "Please dont do that" if they cross the touching line ...like dealing with children ... you are sharing communal facilities ... and people try and make small comments to be polite and positive ... especially if your body language seems fearful ....to cheer you up ... everybody will be vulnerable and feel awkward though and show it in different ways ... maybe you can manage it without letting it escalate ... eg  a polite nod and a "not now" and a hand up displaying the need for space ... without making it a direct attack.

My position is from being orphanages and sharing community facilities and feeling that there is more in common among men and women than difference ... eg health and emotional needs .. to get along with others and be cared for ... if people persist when you have said a clear "no thank you" ... then complain ... but give them the right to be sociable and claim your own right and sense of power and control to express yourself with your voice ... if people say nothing at all ... things can get uncomfortable too ... anyway you will know that you have given fair warning ... without encouraging or confusing them.

Even if you are looking down ... you can say ... please no ...

[Jacques]

thanks Anne, i will try to make an effort to upload some more when i see some beautiful sights.

[Jacques]

oh @Appleblossom, you are so learned and so wise, you are a great person for me to look up to, i am glad you like my day to day stories, i sometimes hink i am making a fool of myself talking about what is going on around me, but i can only see the simple things because my world view is only as big as my bedroom window.

i know i need to be more gentle with myself with respect to my posting comments, but i am always so frightened of upsetting someone or for friends like yourself to hate me and not talk to me anymore, this forum is all i have in life, you guys and girls are the only people i talk to now.

thankyou for suggesting to Karen some stratagies of how to handle sexual harassment, i have never been anywhere like a communal setting and i don't know how to give advice in this area, i was only giving advice last night of other women who have posted online how they handle these situations. thank you so much for reaching out and giving some of your wisdom on the subject.

i hope things are going well between you, your son and his partner. i have loved reading your stories of your singing group, i am so glad you are making some good friends,  i do hope singing is a healing thing for you @Appleblossom, i know it is healing for me listening to music.

take care, thank you my friend.

Jacques

[Jacques]

hi my angel,

well another day, the mowers are all going in the neighbourhood, must be the day for it, Mrs Magpie has had another bath while i was watering some more of the yard this morning, she does love the water, she is very protective of the watering system though, other birds who try to get a shower are promptly chased off, i would have thought their was plenty to go around, but obviously not.  now she is over at the neighbours house on the back of his ute tapping on the tray wanting her brekkie, so he had better get up and give it to her 

the chooks are singing which is always nice, so are all the other birds, it seems nesting season can get a bit tense because some of the birds are fighting for food.  

the lambs got lost last night so i layed in bed listening too them wondering how they manage to get themselves into so much trouble, the farm hand has tried to block off all possible ways for them to get through the fence, but they always manage to find away.

well Karen i do hope today is a bit better day for you and the girls manage a visit, i am here if you need to vent or a friendly shoulder to cry on.  you are a strong woman Karen, you will make it through this and when you do i want to hear about your place and the animals that reside their. 

well i had better go and pretend like i am doing something, i might go finish the puttying.

take care, be kind to yourself, you are not alone and you have a good friend to support you.

jacques

[Former-Member]

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@Jacques wrote:

I am struggling today, i am so exhausted, everyday feels exactly the same, i feel like i am on a merry go round...

it is very hard to deal with and move past, actually i have never been able to move past, it is like my life stopped when the abuse started.

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I can so relate @Jacques

sorry your having a bad day.. virtual hug if ok

I'm so tired of fighting to feel better, fighting to change my anxiety, that feeling of being constantly hunted & caged. everyday can feel like the same futile fight. I also feel like my life was stolen from me & stopped with the abuse. I want to forget it, never think of it again but the scars it has left on my brain functioning - the anxiety, the sweating, the hypervigilence, the rage - are very hard to change.

can I ask, do you feel safe with your mum? my mother was my primary abuser (there were additional abusers of both genders) so I find it hard to understand how people can feel safe with their mothers but I'd like to learn about it.

when i'm out running I feel social anxiety & dissociate a lot & struggle to stay present in the face of reality, people look at me and I worry stare at me 'cos I look like a freak. a cyclist yelled something at me for no reason the other day, I don't know if he was teasing me, I almost fell over I was so offended. I don't know why peple can't just let someone exercise in peace. but i'm determined to try to run becuase it's the only thing that seems to give me any hope. I have so many old injuries I just have to be really careful, the rational part of me knows that I should do my repetitions to build up muscles to help protect my joints but that & strethcing are the parts my emotions really struggle with, to find the motivaiton & discipline.

anyways, thanks for replying and for listening

do you have any pets?

[Former-Member]

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@hiddenite wrote:
1. Men would call me a tease because I would dress nicely, but not pay them any attention.
2.because I am not good enough. If I had made him happy and had everything perfect he would not have hurt me.
3.because I didn't please him or satisfy him not good enough
4.for doing something wrong being pathetic and weak makes me a target. Showing im vunrable and scared.

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I hear you. @hiddenite I can relate to these feelings. I've only had 2 boyfriends and they were both abusive & made me feel all these things. They were very manipulative & only ever had derisive, critical, sarcastic, humiliating things to say to me & the rest of the time ignored me so I felt invisible. I slaved and slaved to please them, gain their acceptance, get some affection. They refused to hold my hand or hug me, only ever touched me if they wanted s*x and even then acted as if they were doing me a favour. It was so lonely and hellish, drove me totally crazy & sad. I still have sadistic fantasies about getting my revenge by harming my ex's reputation (I don't act on these fantasies) and those are horrible intrusive feelings.

In time, I realised that I was being abused and that I deserved better. It took a long time, lots of education about emotional abuse, domestic violence, child abuse. I realised I had been terrorised and the victim of abuse, in time I accepted that.. realised that my boyfriend would never change and the only way to stop being abused by him was to escape from it.. it was so hard and it took years for me to accept what had happened, to realise that I deserved better.

I still have probs with manipulative, predatory men.. I recently tried to overcome my social anxiety and meet new people but got enmeshed with a dangerous man. but thanks to all the hard work I've been doing on myself I ended it - that was so hard and I was so angry it had 'happened again' but this time I saw the red warning signs early & got out. that's actaully a really big achievement for me. 

thank you @Jacques for your kind words, the voice of reason. I hope you know that you're a very kind person, a gentleman and you're not responsible for your entire gender. I think men are generally nice, there are lots of gentlemen out there, it's just a minority are a risk to me & I'm vulnerbale to that & am still learning how to protect myself. think I'll be working on that for some time.

I find mentioning a fictional boyfriend is the only way to protect myself. saying, "my boyfriend..." is the safest, quickest, best way to protect myself from a risky man who is pressuring me. In my experience, saying stuff like, "I'm not comfortable.." just gives them a big green light & I wish my counsellor hadn't suggested it, it was a terribble idea.