Depression in a Relationship

[Ray34]

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years and it hasn’t really effected else but me until recently. 

i got my first boyfriend 6 months ago, within those 6 months i have had about 5 breakdowns and he isn’t sure on what he can do to help. We both love each other but he tends to get upset seeing me upset and that sadness turns into anger because he doesn’t know what to do, he has never had to deal with this kind of situation before. I have also never had to deal with someone being there when i breakdown, i have only a few friends and i live alone, so usually my breakdowns are quite private. 

He has asked me to go to therapy, which i am open to, however it takes months to get in to see someone. 

my breakdowns root from past experiences that i have had when i was younger that I have never dealt with and never had the right coping mechanisms for. 

I am wanting to get better for me and for our relationship i am just not sure where to start. i am medicated and have been for 4 years but with a mix of a bad week and a flood of memories i tend to breakdown and he isn’t sure how to deal with my outbursts. 

We both know that nothing is going to be a quick fix but i’m looking to see if anyone has any suggestions on coping mechanisms or any ways on how we can handle the situation together. 

[tyme]

Hey @Ray34 ,

I'm hearing you. I found myself in a similar space a number of years ago. 

I had major depression, anxiety, insomnia and borderline personality disorder. 

My emotional regulation was terrible and I would have meltdowns the slightest thing.

I couldn't stand being around myself, let alone expect anyone else to be around me. 

Long story short, it was psychotherapy that made a difference. Namely, 18 months of mentalization based therapy, but also aspects of acceptance and commitment therapy and DBT.

Through therapy, instead of reacting in unhelpful ways, I learnt to separate myself from the emotional experience so that I could see it more clearly and logically (and even from the other person's perspective!). It was then about teaching myself more helpful ways of thinking.

Yes, you are right, there was no shortcut. Therapy was LONG, but it was worth it.

I live an absolutely awesome life now. I feel like I have developed a lot in terms of effective communication, collaboration and conflict resolution.

Please know you are not alone.

[tyme]

Oh also @Ray34 , setting myself boundaries also worked. e.g. when I felt I was upset, I would move away from the person so as not to hurt them. Of course I let the person know beforehand that I would do this to protect the relationship.

[Ainjoule]

Hey @Ray34 ,

I mainly wanted to say welcome to the forums. @tyme had some excellent information. I think it's great that you are open to therapy. I practise mindfulness...which is admittedly not great for highly distressed situations but can help prevent you getting to those states by being able to sit with your thoughts without necessarily engaging them. Also, I wonder how you are doing with the fundamentals, like sleeping and eating? These can make a big difference to how well we regulate our emotions. I'm sorry there is such a wait for therapy. Good on you for seeking strategies. 

[Asgard]

Hi @Ray34 

Welcome to the Forums, now that @tyme @Ainjoule have answered your post from your perspective, I will go in a different direction.  Firstly congrats on the new relationship, secondly the guy is definitely a good one as he has probably seen you at your worst.  So, better the devil you know, can you provide him with as much info as possible regarding your condition, it must be just as scary for him as it is for you.  Any chance you both can visit your GP, so he can ask questions.  Look after yourselves........Asgard

[Ray34]

thank you so much for this! everything you have said is super helpful and it’s good to know i’m not alone in this situation 🙂 thanks again Tyme!!

[tyme]

Thinking of you @Ray34 . Just as your username can signify, let the 'Ray' of sunshine keep you going.

Change is hard. It's hard on anyone. But if you something is worthwhile to make the change, then lean into it. 

In my recovery, I had amazing therapists who were more like life coaches. They told me many many things. Some things I agreed with, and some things I didn't. And that's okay. Yet over time, I could see what my life currently was, and how I'd ideally want it to be.

Then it was about leaning into the strategies I had worked on with my therapists and really actively implementing them. Trust me, it wasn't comfy at all!

TW: Self-Harm

Content/trigger warning

 For example, when I used to get upset, I'd be fuming inside. It I didn't burst and let it out in a rage, I would end up isolating myself and then it would turn in to self-harm. Over time, I saw that this strategy didn't solve anything and it didn't benefit anyone in the long term.

Hence, working with my psych, I'd work on approaching the situation instead of avoiding it. To actually make myself be around people when I was struggling to that I has less of a chance to SH.

This was not comfortable to do - yet it made a difference.

Another example was to attend all therapy sessions - including days when I really didn't want to. It may sound easy, but consider 2 weekly sessions of approx 3.5-4 hours in total. It was a LOT of therapy. Sometimes, I'd feel 'therapied-out', and really didn't want to go again, but I did.

All in all, consider your ideal world/life and aim towards that. Have you end goal in view and then work backwards to mark how you can reach that goal. Also take note that there may be some backward steps in order to move forward.

I'm eager and waiting to see how you go!

[MJG017]

@Ray34There's no much I can add to what has already been said.  I can relate my own issues with my partner, certainly not as severe as your breakdowns but it may help.  Due to my current situation, I tend to get depressed a lot and I get frustrated.  My partner tried to help and gets frustrated because she doesn't know what to do and I don't know what I need her to do.  So i've found it helps us to just tell her how I'm feeling and that I know she gets frustrated, but that i'm just as frustrated so none of it is directed at her in anyway and that I really appreciate, her support.  I guess what I'm saying is talk to your boyfriend (he seems like a good guy) about the frustrations you both feel so that he doesn't feel you're frustrated with him in any way at all.  I'm sure he's trying his best and you're trying your best so just keep talking about it while you wait to see a therapist.