Hey, that sounds tough.
I haven't experienced BPD in romantic relationships but I have in friendships. Those friendships have been marked by intense, almost stifling need for connection followed by ruptures when I said or did something imperfectly.
My partner doesn't have BPD but some of those patterns just tend to show up in relationships anyway, though less intensively.
I hope others can add more relevant advice or support. Some of the things that have helped me and my relationship though:
- watching couples therapy (SBS) ft the psychologist Orna. I found it illuminated a lot of common relationship patterns. I watched it with my partner.
- 1800 respect; I have spoken to them myself and also told my partner to call them after an argument. It was an eye opening experience for him to access counselling from women who are trained to empower women in relationships.
- Behavioural expectations. This has been hardest to implement, and where the worst behaviour showed up. Disagreement is basically punished if the other party has a big, bad reaction to disagreement. It makes us less likely to disagree again because it just sucks. Eventually it can turn into just never sharing our true thoughts and feelings. Building healthy disagreement and practicing relational repair on small things can be a way to start.
My compass is that if I feel like I am a bad person when I'm around them, if I feel like I'm nasty or worthless or whatever, then I take that as a sign to look at that person and consider what 'spells' they're casting on me through their words and actions. It's become my guiding principle.
I have a lot of empathy for your situation.
