For 'me time' I have moved out!
Just yesterday I finally took the plunge and got my own place. I care about my partner deeply but I also care about myself. We'll stay,or try to, stay together living apart. It's been 3 long years living together in her place and fitting in with her unusual behaviours that include her picking up after me everytime I do anything e.g. putting spread away while I'm still eating my toast or stressing that I've left one shirt on top of the washing machine.
Its been hard being a partner/carer in the same house. Perhaps you see this as a cop out. She does. But I can't handle the monitoring anymore. I lost myself in her illness. All I could think about each night was the fight we'd had again, the moodiness, anger and blame and then extreme vulnerability and despair. Bipolar, child trauma, bpd. It doesn't really matter anymore what the diagnosis is (bipolar meds without bipolar behaviour). I just can't take it anymore. I feel relief to have a place of my own where I can invite her into my space and have some control over my own environment. She's hurt, wounded, feels abandoned but I am trying not to feel guilty. I haven't left her, just left a situation of high conflict and distress and walking on eggshells and my becoming more and more reactive. I hope eventually it will settle down but seeing her distress as I packed my things was heartbreaking.
