How does living with a parent with depression affect kids?

[Tatsinda]

Just wondering if anyone has any insight as to the long term effects on kids of having a parent with depression. My kids are living with a dad who is irritable, critical at times, and loses his temper easily. He is getting help but at the moment his behaviour is not always that great. He does care deeply about being a dad and puts in a lot of effort, but I'm concerned about the kids growing up around someone who isn't always that stable. Would be interested to hear anyone's personal experiences.

[kristin]

Hi Tatsinda,

Welcome to the forums, I usually hang out on the LE one but occassionally "pop over" here too as I am also a carer.

Your question is a very good one. I struggle with this myself, both personally and with my former partner who lives with us. Minimising the impact of my MI on my children is something that has always concerned me deeply.

I have been living with episodic acute depression for 35 years. I have a 17yo, a 13yo and a 6yo.

One of the things I have learned to do when I myself am very unwell and struggling with irritability, etc is tell the kids. I say to them (wording is age dependent here) "mummy's really upset/stressed out at the moment and I need lots of quiet time/time out", and this one's really important "I love you, this is not your fault and I don't want to get cross or yell at you, can you please help by giving me some space?"

With my former partner he is rarely able to do this himself, so I tell them. I think another important word is "sorry", because inevitably we will get it wrong sometimes - and being specific about why, eg "I shouldn't have yelled at you when you spilled that milk I see it was an accident".

Even my 6yo can get this, and she also has some of her own issues as a result of early childhood trauma. My older two are ok with this. They are both very well, are quite emotionally resilient and have weathered some very difficult times themselves through school, etc. They both have some knowledge about MI which I start sharing a bit of general info about in the first year of high school, depending on them and what I think they can handle.

They don't know exactly why I suffer from MI, because I don't want to traumatise them. I have told them I will answer any questions when they are older (>15), at this point my eldest doesn't want to know and that's ok.

This approach seems to have worked for us, at least with my older two. It's too early to be sure with my yougest - although recently she came and asked me if she could play a game on a DVD which she knows I often find irritating because of the noise. She offered to turn the sound way down. I gave her a hug and told her she was wonderfully thoughful and considerate - she seemed very pleased with herself.

I try to encourage my kids to see differences in people of all kinds (including with MI) as worth embracing and celebrating for the good in them whilst trying to understand those things we are less comfortable with.

I hope this is of some help.

Kind regards,

Kristin

[NikNik]

Hi @Tatsinda 

Really good question. @Melstar71 sounds like she's in a similar situation. In her post here she's looking for childrens books that cover the topic of parents with mental illness.

@Melstar71 , can you relate to Tatsinda's post?

@kristin  - great insight, as usual 🙂 Always so appreciative of your generosity in sharing your experiences

Does anyone else have tips?

[kristin]

Hi @Tatsinda , @Melstar71  & @Uggbootdiva 

Amazing timing of your question @NikNik - a piece of pure serendipity! You see I was given some short booklets by my Anglicare family support worker on this topic nearly 3 years ago when I was terrified I might end up in psych ward for the first time (& thankfully didn't!).

They have stayed (lost) in a cupboard since then. Just last Thursday another friend with MI came over to help me tackle some of the mess that clutters my house and head. Guess what I found? (And if you'd asked me this question before Thursday you would have drawn a blank - because I had forgotten all about them!)

So here they are - from Children of Parents with a Mental Illness (COPMI)

http://www.copmi.net.au/order-online the Family Talk & Piecing the Puzzle Together are the two which I have hard-copies of & seem most pertinent, but they have a lot of online stuff as well so I'd encourage you to check that out too.

I hope this helps!

Kind regards,

Kristin

[Uggbootdiva]

Telling kids it is NOT their fault is so so important. so so important.
I do pretty much what @kristin said.
I apologise for how awful it is for them and we discuss why it isn't nice to have someone behave in that way. and subtly how might people feel when they behave badly!!!

My own father was an undiagnosed depressive? OCD? whatever and it was very distressing growing up not knowing if he was going to laugh or hit us. He was very controlling. But I knew, knew, knew I was loved. But even better if he had told us it wasn't our fault, that he struggled. However he didn't have the self awareness to know that.

I also try to explain that mental illness is not an excuse but it does make it much harder for someone with MI to behave properly. Like it's harder for a blind person to navigate around the house than a sighted person.
I am however conscious that perhaps their forgiveness does have a limit, especially as they become teenagers.

it's important to have conversations about it, to have language to talk about it. despite my kids' anxiety they are very self aware, have the language to say how they feel which is huge. In some ways they are wise beyond their years in how to take care of themselves mentally. They can identify what stresses them, what helps them get calm and feel better etc.
And like all parents we hope to god we haven't f'd them up too badly...

[Uggbootdiva]

gosh, maybe we should co-write a book called "mummy/daddy's not well..." and they can role play it on playschool....ok not.

[Melstar71]

Yes I can. Sometimes I feel like a single mum. He has an anxiety of crowds and our local area so it comes down to me to take the kids out etc. Sometimes I am just exhausted and would love "me" time once in a while. When he is in his "moods" he dosn't take much interest in his kids. He has just started seeing a social worker who I hope will put in place the right support for him to work through his fears / anxieties so he will be able to do activities with his kids in the local community and take some of the pressure off me. Our kids don't understand why daddy dosn't come out sometimes. He dosn't work, he is on the disability support pension. He see's his regular Drs as well.

Mel

[Melstar71]

Thank you so much! You guys are awesome!

Mel

[Tatsinda]

Mel I can relate to a lot of what you've written. I've recently started approaching things as if I am a single parent without a partner to rely on, and it has helped a lot but makes me angry at the same time that I'm having to take that approach!

It seems from what ppl have written that perhaps teaching our kids how to view the mental illness in a healthy way is important, giving them the tools to understand how they are feeling and how to give themselves some distance from it when necessary. I have started explaining to my eldest (6 years old) that dad is unwell and it's not his fault when dad gets angry. Plus i tell him dad is working on getting better and remind him that he is important to Dad. I've also decided to stop leaving my husband alone wih the kids at the moment as I feel like I can't trust him to not fly off the handle :(. So hard to maintain a marriage in these circumstances...but there is always hope. And I think a med review is in order so perhaps in time that will help.

And re writing a book - I did have the funny thought yesterday that you could have a 'choose your own adventure' book for being a carer - 'your husband has lost his temper and is now sitting in the car with the doors locked and music blaring - do you a) ignore him and get on with the kids bedtime routines or b) approach him and have an uncomfortable conversation in the carport while your toddler runs laps of the car?'

[Uggbootdiva]

oh @Melstar71 that is really really hard. my dad hated crowds and weddings among other things. You sound like my mum who was the glue that held everything together. my mum always told us how much our dad loved us even though we didn't always believe her. she kept pulling down the walls we would build up and I know have a good relationship with my dad. without my mums intervention I would have stopped trying with dad a long time ago.