How can you forgive wilful intent

[Ramman]

Yesterday my older teen decided that she would abscond from my care and take trains and just ride around visit opsops.  

She planned this: took alternative clothes, 2 books to read, left her phone at home.  She told me (afterwards) that she realised that she could do this when she stepped out of shower. 

I am so angry, I missed important meeting and a we all missed a concert we had tickets 2 for that night, she missed therapy, I wasted 2 hrs dealing with police, security.  My ex wife spent 4 hrs driving around.    She doesn't care.  If she wanted to go roaming on a train i would have told her pick a day and i will drive her to station.  She has told me her fantasy of doing this before.  

SHE DID THIS TO SEE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.  

I threaten to garnish her pocket money for the concert tickets and she said she will just end her life.

This is so unfair so cruel. 

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Ramman 

That sounds so stressful. What might be considered normal teenage rebellious behaviour (still stressful), must feel extra scary for you all because of the high stress and worry for her safety. 

Walking that line between growing independence, stress, trust, safety and navigating respectful boundaries can be very tricky for all parents. I take my hat off to anybody navigating it. 

When I was a teen and being disrespectful/rebellious, I generally didn't understand the impact of my actions. I only saw reactions. My brain wasn't fully formed. I didn't have the life experience, the authority or the responsibility of managing appointments, money, household, etc. Those things are learned, bit by bit. Do you think she might really harm herself? Is it said in the heat of the moment? You mentioned in a previous post that she threatened to harm herself when you went to work in the office for 2 days? 

Are the boundaries, ie loss of pocket money due to loss of tickets being applied reasonably likely to cause harm, or create a sense of stability with firm expectations, such as a future workplace might have? How is the message being delivered? Do yours or her support team have any recommendations?  

Hope you're ok  x

[Ramman]

@8ppleTree 

Thanks for your feedback. .

My oldest has recently dropped out of y12, and been hospitalised - with a profound loss of self  identity. She  has self harmed.

She is significantly disassociated and suffering a form of psychosis she often has dark fantasy thoughts including running away and self harm.  

Because of her history I cannot put it down to teenage behaviour.   Eitheway I feel betrayed. 

Whom I referred to in  the other post is my other daughter.  Who suffers from depression and also self harm.   

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Ramman 

Thanks for clarifying, I understand that must be so very worrying for you. I can hear how much you care for your daughters and are a great support for them. 

Hopefully when everyone calms down a bit apologies can be made, as underneath it all you all love and care for each other. Being terrified for someone and wanting to be able to keep them safe, especially as a parent must be so difficult. I really feel for you 🩵 

[Ramman]

Thank you. I too want to be compassionate for mental health reasons but wasting $450 on the concert ticjers is not cool.

[OM108]

@Ramman 

Sounds like you really care about your children and want to forgive them...even when it appears to be wilful intent to provoke you. I know for myself I often used to run away from home when I was 14 and it was indeed with wilful intent. I would end up staying with my 20yr old cousin and eventually my father would come and get me after a week or so. I have no idea what was going through my parent's mind during all this. I am assuming now they were told by my cousin that i was there and so at least knew i was ok. I think a part of me wanted to know if anyone really cared if i disappeared. I used to feel that noone would care if I died. The fact that they took a week or two to come and get me was also fuelling my thoughts that they didnt want me.

Have you ever been able to sit down with your daughter and tell her from your heart how much you care about her? It can be so easy to get caught up in anger and justice. Honest heart felt conversations where you listen deeply to what is said (and also everything between the words) can be very healing for everyone.

Best wishes

[Ramman]

We have had high level talks.  She invited me in to her session on Tuesday. Its clear that she remembers the planning the start of the act, and the end.   But has great chinks of time. She said she felt compelled to do so.

She has been doing daily  collages as a way of being mindful.  She spends hour on each making them.  She is refusing to make one about last Friday.

Her psychologist think similar to you - that even though she took alternative clothes, left her phone at home, did not spend money, told no one, packed multiple books - I should have foreseen the outcome and caught her aka a small part did want to be caught

I am not sure..   she had a point to prove and I gave her the opportunity.

Thanks for your words; I will discuss heart to heart how I felt. Not sure how to say betrayed, saddened, you shown remorse, wil come across.  I can't forgive her yet.  I don't trust her yet

[tyme]

How are things going for you @Ramman ?

[Ramman]

@tyme 

Today things have been OK.   Younger looked after herself all day while I was at work ( she had sore tummy).  Older was with my mum and she escorted back to city to hand over.  Both conversing well with each other/me.   Talk is a little juveinal like 11 year old.  A little talk about self harm.  

They both  wanted soft kids toys from kmart; because they are cute.  I obliged  them.  I feel a little numb - long day of work broken sleep.

It's as good as the day could have realistically been. 

Thanks for reaching out.

[tyme]

Hey @Ramman ,

At least it's better than what is has been, right?

I hear the constant hypervigilance you must be experiencing - no wonder you are exhausted.

Please continue to look after yourself and I'll check in with you every so often.

We all need cheering on at one time or another.

Take care, tyme