Here I am again.
Does anyone else feel this... that thos moments of ceelbrationa nd breakthrough are just more delusion?
I am in a bad space. I am in company of my beleoved and doggit, so safe. I can;t talk about this with he though it is too distressing for her, fair enough.
A few days ago I had an amazing breakthrough, I woke up in the middle of the night fretting about bad things that were happening with the sibling over my Mum's power of attorney, I had been chucked into a state of feeling 8 years old again and powerless. I took my meds went to bed but woke up wide awake and OCD thinking at 12.45 am. I read a book and had hot chocolate and just tried to stay focussed on my novel until I felt sleepy again.
As soon as I shut the book, the OCD thinking roared back into life and I thought to myself I need a STRONG visualisation to shut these itnrusive thoughts out. So I imagined myself standing strong and true and had three very strong women standing with me to the left, the right and behind. the visualisation put a stronger me, a very together 'me' standing "At my Back" ( you know as in... gotcha back) and I felt good, then I thought why would I have a part of myself standing 'behind me" I invited her "IN" inside me and I felt this huge click connect like I had come back to myself after years of split.
So, I felt like I had come home to myself after 5 years of being 'split' or in a state of dissasociation. It was very powerful, and I was SO HAPPY that I had embraced that part of myself that seemed locked out, the sensible, calm, strong gal. And I told a few peole, OMG! I am back to myself! (I did say to friend I hope this wasn't a hypo-manic thing) and she said no you sound really, really good, Moongal.
Yeah well, within a nano-second it really was full blown hypomanic thing, and within a very sharp turnaround - from Tuesday ealy morning feeling invincible and 'whole again' I had shatterd and unravelled into irritation, frazzledness, hypersensistivity, pain and fear by Thursday, by Friday I as a sobbing ranting mess, and had a meltdown at Mum's new aged care home in front of her new doctor and the RN - because I found out the hospital (which she has now checked out of) put her back on heavy duty sleeping tablets, after me overseeing her withdrawal for 6 weeks and getting such great cognitive gains from being free and clear of that old class of sleeping tablet. I was just too strung out, stressed and tired. I CRASHED down out of my Ms Invincibility into a puddle of grief with a roaring monster leaping out of the puddle every now and then. And here I am.
I hate it, I hate this rapid cycling, I hate thinking I am "well" and that I am really getting somewhere and finding out it is just a huge delusion.
I never have 'normal' ever.
The deep sadness in me, right now, the depth of grief and self-loathing, I have spent a better part of today switching from the insight into the fact that even when I think I am travelling well I am just in an episode to what is the point? I just want to die. i am tired, frazzled have worked so hard to help my Mum. And having to face up to he person that abused me, every day in some way I have to deal with this (not face to face thank goodness) but by email and text and phone. I am melting down. Suicidal ideation then rage, then irritability so that I cannot even stand the clothes touching my skin.
I feel so f*cking useless, and I am staring down the barrell of this rapid-cycle life stuck on repeat. It is Tough Gig.
