Crossing Live to Moongal for an Update on Mixed State

[MoonGal]

Here I am again, it is 5.00 am I have been up since 3 am. It took two hours to 'get  a grip'. I am definately not right - have been in a mixed state for weeks. I think it is the new anti-depressant meds. I have said "I am elevated' maybe I have been more elevated than I thought I was.

God, mixed states are bloody awful. That zingy, antzy, shakey inside , rapid thought, rapid depressed thoughts. Sounds like an oxymoron. But really - I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Oh well, maybe  would... LOL. 
I don't ever seem tohave a 'normal time' it is just all sh*t - I can be humourous, kind, and feel like a homicidal maniac all in a split second (nix the homicidal maniac - its just a figure of speech - I do not have homicidal ideation) I just get rage bursts, they are so quick  but I ameliorate them on the outside so they just look like 'irritation'.

I get uber defensive too - Look, I did this! TA DA says I. "Oh, it's not really quite right though is it" says partner. Me - Snarling like a leopard, I pull the 'thing I made" or whatever in tight to myself and say "I didn't ask for your opinion you were just supposed to like it". (Even though by showing it off I HAD put it out there for an opinion -- Living with me is hell. Poor partner...)

I am full on advicey one minute - sharey, too sharey - I confess and lay my life and feelings bare, and tell too much, that can be scary.

If only the world would do what I want it to do everything would be alright'. haha

Moongal for President of the world. I have some insight and think that with that bit of insight I have insight, but really I am kidding myself. I have so much insight I am the most insightful being int he world. Gee, I impress myself sometimes.

I have never been hospitalised for being nuts, have been hospitalised for suicide attempt but that was waaay back when I was 21. Have been hospitalised for alchol and drug rehab (which was all just the BIG COVER UP for being nuts really.

And I AM a mixed packet of nuts. The label reads... May contain... PTSD nut, Anxiety nut, Bipolar nut, OCD nut (OCD is the thinking kind not the repetitive action kind).

Somehow I manage to 'pass' as just eccentric, (I hope) but really don't have any friends in the real world. Oh, there you go - there is a feeling, well up self pity tears, go away.

So here it is 5.22 am on a a saturday, I have a massage at 8.30, i have one every fortnight, have done for the past 15 years. My massage therapist is an important person in my life. She likes me. Thats rare in a person, and beside I pay her for her time. We talk about anything and everything. One of the few people in my life I can be completely ME with. (Which is easy when you are face down on a table and don't have to look the person in the eye.)

I hate being like this. It is good to say that. I hate being unreliable, inconsitent, brilliant one minute, vacant the next, I hate living with chronic pain, and chronic brain and I just wish to Dog it would all go away so I could just be relieved of all this. Is that self pity? Or is it just good sometimes to say it? Now I am crying.

Now I'm not. Wheee. Hang on the roller coaster is in overdrive.

Oh well, when it comes down to it, It is what it is and I have coped more or less for 40 odd years of this, guess I will feel a bit better sometime, when the meds kick in in 20 minutes or so - then I can get on with my real life, making vector artwork, working on the website I am designing, off for a massage, walking my gorgeous doggit...
Vegan donut to add a few more bloody pounds.

[eth]

Hi @MoonGal I hear you!  It seems to me it might be a good idea to get your meds checked.  My past adverse responses to antidepressants were just like you are describing and even pushed me into full mania a few times.  Once I was off these and on an antipsychotic and a mood stabiliser things steadily improved.  It had to be done by a psychiatrist and now it is on my records to not give me antidep's.  I am not saying this is what is happening to you but I definitely think you could do with some professional input.  This response is a known phenomenon amongst some people with bipolar (like me).

You seem to be good at channelling the extra energy waves you get but the down/angry waves are a problem.  So glad you are having a massage - it should help you feel 'more reconnected'.  I was a massage therapist for 25 years and still do it for my close friends.  You are helping yourself in so many ways and reaching out here which is also great as it shows you have insight into what's going on.

Hoping your partner is able to ride the waves with you and you are getting support there too.

[MoonGal]

Oh @eth, I am SO glad you chimed in and confimed clearly it may be the medication. I switched off an anti-depressant in February and on to this newer type and that was a hell of ride. 

LAst time I was at my GP I was elevated and she spotted that, but it was a fun elevation, you know the type - where you are witty and laughy and having a nice time. I so rarely HAVE a nice time - but unfortuantely these moments do not last long.

I did wonder this AM if I should up the dose of the anti-d. (under my GP's supervision) I am on the lowest dose, and she was suprised that we didn't graduate to a higher does. Sometimes I think I mistake hypo-mania for feeling 'normal'. i seem to never have any times these days when I am just me. I haven;t had a "just me' moment for years and years. It's all one state, or another or mixed state, definately rapid cycling kind of Bi Poalr experience.

I will make an appointment with my doc on Monday for later in the week hoppefully she will have a slot. I am scared of the NEXT bit - when adding iin or taking out medication I leave the planet. I have only just got my feet under me after months of nutzoid. But, really I don;t have my feet under me at all.

PS: I studied massage and got a certificate too, but like so many things I have done I never ended up doing it for a living. 🙂

[MoonGal]

Unfortunatel I do not tolerate mood stabilisers. The salts or the anti-epileptics also used for this purpose.
With salts I get alopecia (a very rare and no-one has ever heard of that before) side-effect and the anti-epileptics trigger psychosis.

I have SUCH a sensitive brain-bio-chemicals.

@eth - so glad you have found a combinationt hat works for you, how long did it take to get there?

[eth]

Too long @MoonGal.  Have been the most stable since about 8 months ago (I'm 52) when a new med was added and another one stopped.  Prior to that I wasn't diagnosed accurately til 2009 and it was a process of one med or another (but at least no more extreme adverse reactions to the antideps) until about September last year.  And keeping mood and symptom charts daily and seeing both psychologist and psychiatrist for 2014 and 2015. 

 Prior to 2009's eoisode I had been treated on and off but only for depression for over 20 years but in hindsight I probably had bipolar all that time.  It's been a long journey and there's a lot more I could tell in this answer but I'm fighting a cold and haven't my recent energy today.

Changing meds is scary, especially when we've had undesired effects previously.  But I'm glad you are going to book an appointment to talk about things.

Enjoy your massage!

[MoonGal]

@eth - will keep this short 'cos you are feeling unwell. I was treated for depression for ever too - then just in 2014 diagnosed bi polar. The helpies and doctors always seemed to 'miss' my hypo mania (maybe because I am quite attractively funny and brillaint in those minutes). 

What a ride we are all on. Thnaks for your care today, 'specially as you are battling a cold. Hope you come good soon.

[MoonGal]

Dateline. 4.00am

My mum lives alone. Late 80's until 12 months ago - competant and comfortable. I started to see some changes in her memory and cognition. She presents a good face to everyone else, it has been an uphill battle getting anyone to 'believe' me about the severity (at first mild but worrisome that she was till driving her car, then moderate and now confusional states lasting minutes to hours). She ended up in hospital after driving in a cofusional stae, crashing her car (she wasn't physically hurt, just very confused) early April. She has now lost her licence, we had the car fixed and sold it.

She was devestated to have lost her 'independence'. I have been calm, acowlwdging the loss of her car/driving, at the same time trying to get her to accept it and start to use taxiss and medical transport to get to the doctors.

SHe has been adamant she wants to 'stay in her own home'.

She has been saying 5 times a day "i just want to die'. I have been trying to acknowledge her feelings of hopelessness and change in life circumstances, and then also encouraging her to get with the programme of supporting her own desire to stay in her own home. Having to be competant, eneged and able to do a certain amount for herself. (which was very patchy effort)

She was on a sleeping tablet (30 + years) and it seemed perhaps this tablet was contibuting to memory and confusion. In the hospital they started to withdraw her from this medication, then I oversaw the next 4 -5 week withdrawal, slow step down smaller doses.

Eventually she was at nil.

Then, to compensate for the loss of the sleeping tab, she started drinking. Doesn;t take much at her age. She hid that. So I have been dealing with being faced with a Mum, who I love very much, being in utter confusional state and me thinking it is was nuerological/demtentia related. But that MAY be related to a drinking prblem that she has been hiding (very well!) and rather than demntia she is depressed and drunk alot. (OMG) My Mum, the strong, dignified, former Nursing Sister. 

This week, I dunno about 7.00 -7.30pm ish in the middle of participating in Topic Tuesday and interested in the subject (dear to my heart), I received a phone call from my brother. He had called my Mum. He lives interstate. I live in the same city as my Mum but 45 minute drive away. I had spent the entire day with her taking her to appointments, cooking her lunch, and settling her down for the evening. She was in reasonable shape when I left her to go home. Leaving there at about 5pm.

He reported that she seemed 'vague' on the phone. I suggested he call her back and let's see if he can shift her into the present and divert her vagueness into alertness enough to get her to bed. He tried to call, but she couldn't hear him, then the phone was engaged. I have enough experience with Mum's confusional states to take an educated guess that in the absence of anything else to do she would hit default mode and get changed and put herself to bed. She did.

I arrived at 9.00 am yesterday. She was in a vague state, wandering about the house muttering. Then she had explosive diahrea in her nightdress, on the carpet etc. Okaaaay. This is new, dealing with this mess, her dignity, I just kicked into 'nurse' mode and did what needed to be done, helping her to the loo, then to the shower, then to get dressed (she insited on dressing in clothes). Then I instisted she remain laying down until xx time, that I did not want to see her out of bed - that I was just down the hall and if she needed me to call out. 

Then I started the AGEDCAREMERRYGOROUND on the phone. OMG, people. What a total head f*ck. I am barely hanging on to myself, new meds in February that ae not sitting right -  mean I have been cycling through in a hypo, then mixed state, then hysteria then depression rapidly and have been struggling with my head.

The number of phone calls I made, and got conflicting advice - this service said abc, this other service said XYZ about the same thing. I eventially just called a carers support place and had a meltdown and they said I could arrange emergency respite for Mum for my sake and refferred me elesewhere (which was a good referral thankyou carer support people!). Then the MERRYGOROUND started again. 'Do you have power of attorney, no not yet the paperwork is drawn up but has not been activated, are you registered on MYAgedCare - no she has a Department of Vets Gold card, oh, then don't talk to us, talk to them, I have they told me to talk to you. Well we would need a medical summary and a list of her medications, okay I will call the doctor. Doctor will not provide it without Mum's consent, madness she is unwell, she will have to come in. oooookay.... So I took her in they took one look at her and did everything I asked. I was so sorry to have to put her through that it was gruelling, getting her in and out of the car, getting her there, getting her in to the doctors surgery and everything etc.

What an utterly STUPID system this all is., 25 thousand different agencies all providing similar things, no one taking me seriously - UNTIL I called a carer support agency (are your registered with us?NO!!!!) and had a BiPo/anxiety Meltdown, oh then MAGICKED up from nowhere was emergency respite. I would not have HAD the bloody meltdown in the first place if the various agencies just helped instead of pushing me from pillar to post to bloody back blocks with incomprehnisble jargon about aged care and not really helping excpet to suggest some other phone number. I had two phones going - a land line and a mobile, I'd be talking to one service and another one would call back on the other phone. I felt so squeezed. Unravelling at a fast pace, then when it was quiet I would breathe deep and chant in my own head...

I am a tree and mountain a cave, I am strong, solid, deep and brave. Then just pick up the phone and make the 'next' call.

What a day.

Anyways I needed to get all that off my chest. So have now.

So I did organise for Mum 24 hour care in home for three days, I may be able to get her into a two week respite in a facility without an ACAT - TODAY. God I hope so, because i am wobbly as.

Poor Mum.

[Faith-and-Hope]

You did an awesome job with that @MoonGal 💐

[MoonGal]

@Faith-and-Hope. Thank you. ❤️

[Faith-and-Hope]

It's not only good for you to vent @MoonGal.  It's also good for us to hear it,  good for us to feel empathy, good for us to express empathy back towards you, and good for you to receive it.

Its the counter-spin to a vicious cycle.  It's a compassion cycle.  

Think about other positive cycles in our society - love, charity, faith, hope, joy, patience, understanding.  They are all cycles we can actively buy into if we choose to, a little or a lot.

🌺 Be well 💌