Jude’s Jungle

[TAB]

..Hi @Judi9877 perhaps put yourself before study unless thats something you need to think about .. no pressure ,.. Get Well Soon 😊

[Oaktree]

@Judi9877 

How wonderful is the idea just to cross stitch in an abstract pattern. I used to cross stitch but would get so cross eyed trying to follow the patterns. I eventually gave all my yarns away to my neice. Such a shame as I had collected a whole box full. I am tempted to take it up again and do as you are doing. Just filling in colour as the mood takes me. Such a wonderful idea. Thank you! 

I understand the anxiety about going back to PARCS with the recent changes but I am hopeful for you that it will be advantageous to your recovery. It will give you a change of scenery and a break from home life and all that entails. It may also provide an opportunity to socialise if you like that kind of thing.

I can’t wait to see your blanket. You are so productive even when you are unwell, makes me s little envious. Oh well good luck to you.

Much love,

Meggle

[tyme]

Great to hear the progress you are making and the preparations for your PARCs stay. @Judi9877 . It makes a huge difference when you know what you are going in for and are ready to work with your recovery. These are the people who make the most out of PARCs.

All the best. And thank you for sharing your crafts with us.

tyme

[BPDSurvivor]

All the best with your PARCS admission tomorrow @Judi9877 ! I’ll be thinking of you and hope it will help you with your recovery. It’s good to see you so proactive with your recovery.

BPDSurvivor

[Judi9877]

Good evening to everyone joining me in the jungle tonight.

To be honest, the jungle is a scary and lonely and confusing place to be right now and has been for most of the night. I feel depressed and alone and like I’m not achieving anything in my life. I know that going to PARCS tomorrow will be a good thing - I definitely need it especially how I’m feeling right now- but all I can see is that I should be able to handle my down periods and that I’m a failure in the eyes of PARCS. I hate feeling depressed and I really want something to lift my moods and to help me sleep which is what I’m hoping the relevant people will do and help me with at PARCS but I’m not feeling all that confident that it will happen. I feel alone and confused and don’t know what to expect with the new organisation taking over the facility except to say that all I want to do is get to the facility and hide out in my bedroom until I feel safe and comfortable there. I’m bringing my knitting - my current blanket that I feel like I’m falling with as I haven’t achieved my goal of finishing the 3rd section yet which I wanted to do before going to PARCS tomorrow- along with some extra wool in case I finish that blanket off which is a major goal of mine to do whilst I’m there- and I’m also bringing my crochet hook with some wool to make a crazy granny square blanket with me as I find that sometimes crochet helps calm me down and makes things better after a period of time. I’ve also packed some drawing materials and a set of notebooks plus some cross stitching items should I choose to do that. Add to this some novels in case I choose to want to pick up a book and read plus I’ve borrowed some ebooks from the local library so I should be okay with things to do I hope. 

I’ve emailed my psychologist tonight to tell him how I’m feeling so that’s something good that’s been achieved I guess. At least he knows what’s going on in my life on the mental health front which is the main thing. I’m due to speak to him in a few weeks time again after my PARCS admission and that will also be after my mum’s anniversary of her death on the 29th so I should have something decent to speak to him about during our next appointment as I feel like I’ve struggled to talk about things with him in the past of recent times.

Okay. Time for me to go and hibernate in the jungle’s cave for the next foreseeable future until my mood improves. I’m sorry for being so down and not happy or cheerful tonight. Thanks for reading this entry.

Judi9877

[Former-Member]

Evening @Judi9877,

I really enjoyed reading this update from you 😊 I can hear that you're feeling anxious, but you're not letting that stop you from reaching your goals. Super inspirational, and your cross stitch is fab! Are you working on a particular pattern or design?

[Oaktree]

Hi @Judi9877 

Sorry I didn’t think to post well wishes for your time at PARCS last night. I wish you well on your recovery journey. I am looking forward to hearing how you get on. 

Meggle

[Judi9877]

Good morning @Oaktree @Former-Member @tyme @TAB @FloatingFeather @BPDSurvivor @Shaz51 @Former-Member @Daisydreamer and all forumites joining me here this morning.

To be honest, although I’m at PARCS, the jungle that is my mind isn’t such a great place to be right now and wasn’t yesterday either. I feel depressed, lonely, isolated, confused, have had self harm thoughts and ideas which I’ve told the staff about but nothing has been done, teary although I can’t cry, lack of sleep which is making me feel even worse, pathetic, unmotivated, loss of direction and generally not in a great headspace. I’m still waiting to see the psych to get my meds looked at which is the whole purpose of being here and my only saving grace has been my 4.5mm crochet hook and bag of yarn that I brought with me and I started a rectangle crochet blanket yesterday to help me with my disturbing thoughts and ideas. I couldn’t even get down to meditating properly last night which really annoyed me as I was feeling bad and wanted to calm down and feel better within myself.

I just wish I could take something to lift my mood up again and to feel good about myself again but nothing is really working. It’s like I just want to take a magic tablet and have things appear good in my life again but that’s not forthcoming unfortunately despite my all my wishes for it to happen. The staff messed up my tablets which meant I got a bad nights sleep last night which I tried to fix by having a hot shower this morning to little success yet I now have to wait to see the psych for them to hopefully change my meds as I see that’s my only option of something working if at all. 

I’ve chosen to spend the past day/night in my room a fair amount of time which can be boring but I’m not up to socialising which reminds me of how I slept my days at home anyway with barely going out unless I have to. I just hate myself and me right now. I don’t see the fun in anything and I’m struggling to see the benefits of what’s going to happen here at PARCS either for me.

I’m going to go now and hide away. I’m sorry I’m not all positive and happy today for all those reading this. Like I said when I started this thread, it’s my space to be who I am really and not hide behind all fake and happy feelings and thoughts as that definitely isn’t me. I have bad times too and unfortunately this is one of them which should hopefully run its course and end soon.

Take care.

Judi9877😢

[StuF]

Hey @Judi9877 

Sorry to hear your time in PARCS isn't going so well so far. Hopefully you'll see your psych soon and things will turn around

[Paperdaisy]

@Judi9877 That's so hard and a lot to deal with. I'm hearing that there's a lot going on for you at the moment and those feelings of depression, loneliness, isolation and confusion aren't easy to sit with but please know we are sitting with you.

I'm sorry to hear they mixed up your meds and I hope they can rectify that for you today. It may take a few days to adjust to the new environment but you are so brave to have gone there and to do what's best for yourself is truely admirable. Glad you are at a safe place.

Please don't ever apologise for being real. We can't all be happy all the time. That would be weird wouldn't it?! Sending hugs. 

Hoping things ease for you soon. We'll be thinking of you 💝