Lived Experience Forum

[StanD]

Hero everyone,

I kind of clicked on this link & thought Hey why not? 

I hear myself frequently using this phrase 'You made me feel.'

Apparently this is not quite helpful, & can give power to another person over ones own emotions.

Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist, or professional. I cannot make any claims about the psychobabble being a good or bad suggestion. 

The article clearly specifies that this is not relevant to People living in domestic violence

Handling strong emotions 

In brief:

Instead of saying, " you made me feel" or 'i feel' - say, ' I notice I feel'. This creates space between self & emotion.

W - Watch  Pause, name it, identify trigger. A moment, or hours. Be curious.

•       What was environment
•        Who
•        Was anything  Unusual
•        What could have have               been missed that was               important

I - Interpret 

• what assumptions were made?
• Other factors i.e earlier exhaustion
• Many situations are ambiguous
• It's easy to make hasty conclusions

S - Select

• What course of action is best to take to achieve desired outcome
• If exhausting eg. take time to self, slow down

E - Engage

• basically put above mentioned plan into action
• I.e Schedule rest breaks

"The key is to SLOW DOWN. 

• Instead of having automatic response - Be Purposeful, in a way that aligns with SELF beliefs, morals, & what one is SEEKING to ACHIEVE"

I.e not getting negative emotions, rage, vengeful, less than. But feeling calm, in control, fulfilled.

R - Reflect

This is important opportunity to understand how plan worked, (if at all!) 

Identify what did work. What didn't? Needs to be improved?

Did response from others change?

Are ones own emotions in line with how I hoped they would be?

Ok, that is all for now. 

I actually tried this, & was going to post my W.I.S.E.R. I think it's too much too read in one go, & to write. 

It did actually work! I can see things differently. I feel way more in power than I did 39 mins ago.

I might post it in comments later.

[Appleblossom]

Good one @StanD 

[PinkFlamingo]

Hey there @StanD 

I hadn't heard of this until I read your post - thank you for the link and taking the time to explain the concept 🙌😀

To quote Hermione Granger: "A little light reading" for the evening! 😊🌺

[StanD]

They @Appleblossom it's so lovely to hear from you. And thankyou too @StuF -you are always here for me x & @PinkFlamingo I read your comments on other thread, you seem very caring & intelligent.

I didn't want to be 'toxic positivity' - although my post was useful to me in that moment. Lots of things sound simple on paper, but in real life it can be hard to find the strength to even read about new perspectives & coping strategies.

I'm struggling every single day. My days are far more difficult than easy. I come up with solution after solutions. (I think that's how I'm built) & in the moment, lots of them help - however, the underlying grief & hurt is really the constant, I experience.

I am at the conclusion now - that I am basically on my own. I have supports, psychologist, etc. It never feels entirely reliable, or fully recognise my needs.

Another 'system' to fill in gaps. I am most appreciative for the support I do get. It's not quite the answer I was needing it to be. Disappointment.

I have never really had to be fully reliant. 

There is no other way - as I can see it.

I'm pretty sure I have an entire team, concerned about my struggles & doing everything they can to support me.

In the end. It's only me.

This terrifies me.

Maybe, it's my worst fear?

I had this long held belief, that, someone, more capable, stronger was going to swoop in at any moment, & finally I could feel safe.

That was my safety net.

I think I'm finally starting to understand, that I am my own superhero. 

There is. No other way.

I don't feel capable, or strong. I 'notice' I feel very neglected & forgotten about. That what has happened to me is so inhumanely unfair.

I worry. How does one, so broken - expected to repair? It doesn't seem I have any foundation to draw from.

I guess that is Depression. Hopelessness.

What is becoming painfully obvious, though - is that - no one else has the ability to 'cure' me.

At times, I have to make choices on a whim, weighing up pros & cons of 'will this benefit me, more than hurt me.' 

It's a f**king terrifying existence.

I ask for help, - beg.... It doesn't come. 

The pile of crap continues to grow larger & larger, everyday. I cannot cope.

How could anyone?

It's me. It's only me.

I have to find that inner part of her that is untouched. 

I'm scared everyday, that I can't. I'm scared everyday, that I'm intelligent enough to know, the path in front has not ever been passed.

Yet, this is my circumstances. All I can do, is accept.

There is no other way.

I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I will end up. I don't know who I am. I don't know why this is my path in my life. I don't know why I 'notice' I feel completely forsaken. I am good person. I have merit. Why has the God I Love, left me here?

I don't know why, or how, I have made it this far. The fact that I have, gives me encouragement that I already have whatever it is I need to make it through. 

I'm still here. I'm still alive. I think that's kind of the biggest deal there is?

I don't know how to finish this post. I don't know if I'm within the guidelines. I don't know if I said too much. I don't know if I triggered other people. I don't know if what I wrote is allowed to be said. I don't know if I will make person sad who reads this. I don't know how it why I write this. I'm scared. Of everything. I want a friend. I want this nightmare to be over. I am so tired.

[PinkFlamingo]

Hello @StanD  🙂🌺

Thank you kindly for the tag and mention - it’s very kind of you and I really appreciate it 💜🙂

I’d like to gently say that one of the most challenging things is finding and applying coping strategies, while managing as best as possible the feelings that are what cause us to seek out and apply those coping strategies. 
And it kind of dawned a couple years ago that I was the only person who really knew me, and so the people who were there to try to help never really quite fit 100% because they weren’t working with the full view of the picture that I had of myself..if that makes sense? 🌺
I am very much not wanting to overload with too long a reply, however I hope adding this comment would gently support you in some way, by knowing you’re not alone 🙂🌺

[StanD]

Thanks @PinkFlamingo thankyou for your compassion & skills in perception. Your response makes perfect sense & I think you included exactly the right amount, & communication.

I like how you identified the struggle I am feeling. It has helped me greatly. A kind of paradoxical excercise - needing the tools to build strength whilst feeling too weak to engage.

Thankyou for supporting me. 🫂

[PinkFlamingo]

Hey there @StanD 🙂

No worries at all 🌺

I think youre right; it is a kind of paradoxical exercise 💜

...having said that, I think this is where the Forums can hold space and give support while in that vulnerable place 💜🙂

Holding space and support anytime 🤗

[Glisten]

@StanD Hi 👋🏼 How you feeling today?

G

[Appleblossom]

• Dear @StanD 

your Wiser post was good and worth re reading. I tend to be in my head and so very much a rookie. Need all the tips I can get re… emotional intelligence.

your other post was beautiful and full of longing and yearning. Seems to be part of the human condition. Accepting that part within us and still functioning.

I am glad you have some supports in place. You matter and are worth it.

I have 3 good formal supports. They don’t have to be perfect but genuine and a little bit aligned or with some rapport.  I am also out in the community more than I was even 6 months ago. So felling better even tho I accept there will always be bumpy bits to deal with. I have a diary and little events and plans and tasks. For quite a few years I lived from psych appointment to appointment. Not much life beyond essentials.  I would get triggered and withdraw… but something inside has shifted… for some weird reason… and I am not so sensitive and raw. I somehow grew some humour and feistiness. I am handling setbacks better cos good things are happening too. 

one step….

Hoping you find a way to grow your self more life.