Lived Experience Forum

[caught]

Hi this is my first posting and I really have nobody else to tell this to.

i suffer from severe anxiety, depression, PTSD and borderline personality disorder. Nobody in my family has ever really understood how mental illnesses have affected me throughout my life. I've just recently finished high school and it was the biggest achievement for me considering I almost gave up on everything. I was wondering does anybody else make up things about their life and go around telling and acting to people so people are envious of their lives? It sounds so horrible.

i have a part time job and I absolutely love it there except one thing, my boss and I secretly dating, he's 30 and 18. My mum Read my messages that we have been dating for a year and she had no idea, she wants me out of the house. I've told basically everyone I know that I've got a great, young boyfriend whose very successful and stuff and mum saw that in messages to my friend and she wants me to do something about my life decisions, but I don't know how to stop telling lies, they come out so naturally and make me feel better about my life. Mum constantly calls me crazy and living in a fantasy world but the world I make for myself is so much better than the real world and I don't know how to fix that.

[Ellu]

Dear Caught,

It sounds as if you have a lot to deal with at a very young age. I had my first bout of bi-polar depression at the age of 15, and it really affected my schoolwork and my relationships with my friends. You must have struggled very hard to get through the VCE, congratulations!

I am not too keen on you dating your boss who is 30. I shouldn't really talk because my husband is 13 years older than me, but you are almost of different generations, and as you both get older the differences will become more pronounced.

Is there a counsellor at school you could talk to? Just someone to talk things over with and work out where you are going in your life. You are very vulnerable with your mental illnesses, and I think it is essential that you talk things through and get your head straight. If the school counsellor is not available, go to your GP and get a referral to a counsellor or a psychologist. My son had some dificulties when he was at Uni., and he went to a psychologist who helped him a lot and helped him straighten out his life.

Do you ever go on the beyondblue forums? They have a forum which is specfically for young people under 26, and you might find some people you are able to talk with there. Just google beyondblue.

The lies are part of your illness. We all have rich fantasy lives but sometimes when we are unwell they spill over into the real world. Who is treating you for your illnesses? It might be time to check in with him/her for a review of what is going on. Don't blame yourself forall this, talk to a counsellor and your treating doctor and see if they can't sort something out. It is important to be able and willing to ask for help. I hope I will see you around the posts again,

Ellu

[Former-Member]

Hi @caught, welcome to the forums. So glad you found us, this is a great place to find support in deal with life, and especially related to mental illness (the depression, anxiety, BPD, PTSD...). I have the same diagnosis and relate to your comment that "Nobody in my family has ever really understood how mental illnesses has affected me" Its very lonely sometimes. You will find the forums will help with that.

CONGRATULATIONS on finished school, it sure is a big achievement, well done!!! @Faith-and-Hope, comes to mind for you (if she has time with her European travels) as her girl just finished school too, and really struggled that last year.

I hear you - you "almost gave up on everything" this past couple of years. So glad you didn't. I hope for you that you will find a true 'sense of self' one you like, that you realise your great worth and make an easy path for yourself, not a hard one, because, conrary to the messages you've been given all your young life - you're precious and deserve the best in life.

You ask " does anybody else make up things about their life? " Yes, I sometimes do resort to fibbing - to protect myself from being judged. But I'm learning its better to say 'nothing' if not the truth rather than try to remember what lie I told who lol. And people learn not to respect or trust what you say and disengage from you. Its not a viable long term habit if you want healthy relationships. You don't have to perform or impress anyone, just you and God. Its great that you can be honest here with us. Being anonymous helps but its a great start to developing the habit of being 'real' Putting your 'authentic self' forward, being 'true to self' so to dpeak.

I'm concerned why you are 'SECRETLY' secretly dating someone. I have found that if its a healthy relationship, thats not going to use or hurt you - it would be open, honest and something to be proud of. I don't want this much older man hurting you, and I fear if you ever want out you'll feel trapped because he is also your job (sound familiar). Your much older 'boss' sounds VERY unprofessional and honey, i hope I'm wrong, but i think he's using you. You deserve so much more. There's another contributor here on the forums whose story you might do well to read on the thread "messed up can't escape" @mandy84, has been very open about how she's been treated by a much older guy, it can really mess with your head and your life. Be careful honey.

With your mum, its disappointing and destructive she verbally / emotionally abuses you by "constantly calling me crazy..." These are unhelpful comments. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY, OR DELUSIONAL! You're not, don't believe it. Your mum clearly isn't coping emotionally with your transition to adulthood and MI (mums are human too) but at the same time, I think she really cares about you and worried where this relationship is taking you. She probably suffers anxiety too. Try to be kind to each other. Can I ask who else lives in your home and do you get on?.

Are you getting counselling? It would be good to get some face to face counselling with a psychologist to help you process past trauma issues related to PTSD so you don't start repeating the cycle and harm your future self. Talk to your GP about this, don't wait 'till you hit rock bottom, you've done so well to pick yourself up this last year. Proud of you.

I hope this has helped a bit, please keep posting and most of all BE KIND TO YOURSELF. xox

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @caught

Welcome to the sane forums, I am really glad that you have found us and have a place to discuss these things that you feel unable to tell anyone else.

I also want to add my congratulation's to the others around you finishing high school, its a huge deal for most people yet alone people who are experiencing as much as you. 

When you say that your mum wants you out of the house is that a serious "im kicking you out" or a "im angry" and this is apart of ongoing fights? 

i was also wondering (like tawney asked) what sort of help you are getting? both to deal with symptoms impacting you and in order to move toward the life you want rather than feeling like the fantasy world is the only place you feel better.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @caught

As @Former-Member said, my daughter went through the wringer trying to complete her final year of high school when she had reached burn-out.  

My husband (her dad) has an undiagnosed eating disorder, so we are living with his fabricated fantasy that it's not happening, and all the emotional fall-out that comes with living a secret life .... some of us e.d. behaviours are really confronting, but as he is an adult, we can't do anything until her either becomes aware that he has an e.d. and becomes transparent about it, or he his rock bottom with a major health crisis.

That was a lot to carry on my daughter's (D3 - third daughter) young shoulders.  She also had physical injuries and illnesses made much worse by the high level of stress, and many friends, family, teachers could not relate.  I don't know what we would have done without an incredibly supportive and astute school counsellor.

I'm glad you found us.  I agree with others, I think you need the support of a counsellor in the "really real" which is how we refer to life beyond the forums .... but we are real too .... and a real peer support for you.  You are not alone.

Please keep chatting with us as you make your way forward.  We will support you and help in whatever ways we can.

Go gently .... prioritise your self-care ... mind yourself carefully with your older man.  If someone is keeping a relationship secret, there is something a bit sus about that .... but revealing a work based relationship is also really tricky.  I agree with Ellu tho ... the age difference between you will impact generationally ... we need different things in our lives, and live different principles at different ages.

Hugs .... keep swimming .... 🐠🐠🐠💕

[ohmshanti]

Ok, you need to sit down and simplify your life. Take a pen and a paper and write down your needs and your wants, starting by number 1: you need a safe place to live in. A place where you can chill, sleep, cook, be yourself without anyone abusing you. This means you need to move out and pay your rent and have your key to your own room: you are 18 and an adult. Go to Centrelink and ask for advice from your case worker on how to do this. Once you have your own space, you are in a position of power. You then have control over who you invite in your life or not, and who you keep out. Do not move in with your boyfriend: he will have the upper hand and you may be swapping a parent who verbally abuses you for a man who demands sex as payment for rent, or other expectations. Half your problems will look different once you enter the grown ups game: you will be able to take pride in the way you keep your living quarters and you'll be your own master.