Lived Experience Forum

[Chris]

I feel like i am in no mans land, neither one thing or the other. Aparently i look and sound good to my son. My husband thinks i can make small talk with people ok. Family think im ok. But as many people on this forum can tesify looks can be deceiving.  So i know i am improving ever so slowly. I feel fake. Its abit like fake it till you make it. I have very mixed thoughts and feeling. Lots of family stuff going on. On a good note my grandaughter intoduced me to her new boy friend today, calling me her awsome grandma. Definitely put a smile on my face. We are very close. I know my family love me. But my mental illness is never mentioned let alone talked openly about. I guess that is my fault, as i try to hide how i am. Also the bigest thing for me is i dont want to be any kind of a burden on them or worry them. I said this to my yougest son last week after i took off away from home. He found me and put his arms around me and i just cried and cried.  I apologized to him and said i never tell how i really feel, because i dont want to worry them. He said "dont you think we worry sick about you anyway" well that was a bit of an eye opener. I fear opening up. Why i dont know. Maybe fear of rejection. I feel like im not use to people caring for me. I turn to professionals for help, say how i really feel. But at the same time i feel very alone. Oh well such is life at this point in time. I have an appointment with my gp tomorrow . I need to get a referral to a psychiatrist,  but it needs indepth information. It will give me the opportunity to ask some specific questions about my mental health conditions. Its all so up in the air to find a new psychiatrist and most are not back at work for at least another week. Dispite everything i am still alive and functioning a bit better .

[Former-Member]

@Chris I just saw this post. I feel very much like you do in no mans land. I'm really glad you have supportive family around but I know it's a catch 22 in that you don't want to burden them and risk them not coping or leaving too. I really hope you find another good psychiatrist. It is great to hear that with everything going on still you feel like you are functioning a little better.

[mufasa]

Hi @Chris

It's great that you have reached out for support during such a difficult time. It sounds like you have been holding a lot in to put on a brave face for your family although I am glad that you were able to open up to your son. How did that feel for you? 

I'm sorry to hear that you have been feeling alone despite working with health professionals, sometimes it can take time to find one that you really connect with. How was your appointment with your GP today? Were you able to get a referral for a new psychiatrist? 

Remember that if you ever feel like you just need someone to talk to over the next week whilst you're waiting to see a psychiatrist you can always call Lifeline: 13 11 14. There are always people available to support you! 

[Chris]

Well, i saw my gp today. And as usual i failed to ask him some questions that have been on my mind for a while. Too scared of what he might say. My mental illness is complex and i have trouble accepting various aspects of it. I did get the referal i needed but as to whether its the right Dr remains to be seen. Its a waiting game now.

I so miss my psychiatrist already. I had connected with him, and felt like i was on the verge of a major breakthrough. Now its lost. I feel like i will have to start all over again. It takes me such a long time to trust. Litrally years. I can have phone contact with him, but it wont be the same. But again it is a least another week away. Even contact with the crisis team has gone down to weekly. I almost feel abandoned.

Opening up to my son last week was positive.  But i still feel bad about it in a way. Burdening him when he has enough to deal with right now. He is going through a tough time with an ex partner and children. I worry about him and how he is coping. Back to taking it minute by minute. I dont like how i feel right now. Very unstable. Just got to use those dbt skills.

[utopia]

@Chris. I wonder if your old psychiatrist coukd recommend a new psychiatrist - as he probably knows what you need in a psychiatrist. But I'm glad you got a referral now. That's a good step.
I think in our society - it has become taboo to say how we are feeling. Which is a real pity. Because being able to say how we are feeling can be empowering and help us. Not just those who live with MI - but everyone.
Society as a whole finds it hard now to know what they are feeling.
Imagine if you are able to say - "I feel scared today" & your son was able to say "I'm angry and sad". Just saying it - without anyone needing to fix it.

[Chris]

He did refer me to two other psychiatrists. One his books are closed. The other, not sure if he is taking new patients.  Ive heard conflicting stories. I cant sort it out untill after the 9th of January.  It all just feels such a mess.

[utopia]

It's a pity you need to wait til then @Chris ... but it's that time of year when so many services are shut for Christmas.
I'm glad you have your family around. And of course you have the Sane Forum family here.
How are you going tonight?

[Chris]

 Just found out after some online digging that this second psychiatrist books are closed. Just what i needed! Ive just taken something to help me relax and hopefully sleep, so will sign off for now. Thank you all for your feedback.

[utopia]

Good night @Chris

[Former-Member]

hi @Chris

That feeling of confusion with no ground under our feet is extremely uncomfortable. 

I just wanted to remind you that there is hope in your situation that I read. There are good reasons to hang on and just go into 'suspended animation' until you get professional help and support.

you've heard it all before, but during this time, do nurture and be kind to yourself won't you? If you can find a way to let go of the layering stuff of beating yourself up for feeling groundless in the first place, can you do that for yourself? Try not to judge your experience as 'bad'?  It's OK to have the full catastrophe of human experience, and here and with your son, you have people who might not understand exactly but are willing to hear you out without judging or condemning you.

At the same time, I think many of us share your difficulty with trusting. And you are right to discern safe people from unsafe ones. Seems like you are doing a great job of that. If you can surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself, who uplift and support and validate you, that might help give ground under your feet for a while. And validate yourself by whatever has worked in the past. You are a likely a beautiful loving mother, and a good person with deep sensitivities. You are precious to others. Let yourself believe it.

take it easy and let yourself off the hook. If you don't want to do a thing, don't force yourself to do it for a while. It's summer after all. Take a break from striving and pushing and making everything work. It's OK to just 'make like a cat' as someone said! May you hold your own suffering in your own compassion. May you find rest inside your confusion. May it pass quickly this time.