Lived Experience Forum

[Loki]

I feel ashamed to admit it after reading some of the posts, I feel like I have no right to be depressed. We have 3 healthy young adult children, happily married for 23 years, so obviously he is a gem! I just want this to stop, the endless swing from feeling like I wish the earth would open up and swallow me, to high as a kite, thoughts racing, anxious, on edge. Not sure which is worse. I have just come out of a 18 month funk when just the thought of picking up the phone to call my psych is too much. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, just have nothing to say and dread the thought of seeing someone I know. Spring is usually when I start to feel my happiness slowly creeping back, and I feel really well at the minute. But I can already hear myself interupting people and saying things rashly without thinking it through. Thinking of business ideas to add to the many failed attempts from my past. I don't want to start waking up at 4am again like clockwork, ever.

I went to see my psych the other day for the first time in way too long, and got prescribed a new medication that will manage the highs more than the lows, but I can't bring myself to fill the script. She has been trying for 5 years to add something else to my meds, but I already hate the fact I am reliant on what I take. And scared it will make me depressd again and from reading the side effects. I can't really see that meds have helped in the 10 years I've been on them. In fact it seems to be I have longer depressions and more intense shorter bursts of highs. My dad has bipolar really badly, despite much higher doses than me. I am so stressed about all this and scared of ending up like dad, who has had episodes in a mental health unit. Sorry if this all sounds dramatic, but no-one understands. I figure lots of people on this forum will. And if I can help someone else, even more reason to connect.

[Appleblossom]

I have dealt with a lot of pendulum swings .. internal as well as external.

As your dad has bi polar .. I bet some of your swings were generated external to you as well.

I also am reluctant, but medication compliant.

I have an ex-uncle by marriage with severe parkinsonia from bipolar meds .. it is a visual and personal huge deterrent or reminder about side effects.

Take care

[Betty75]

HI Loki - I have only just logged on to this site and yours was the first post I read. Your first two lines resonated with me immediately so thank you for expressing your feelings.  It made me glad I finally logged on to this wonderful resource.

'I feel like I have no right to be depressed' This exact thought was my stumbing block. I have always been very grateful for the many wonderful things and people in my life. How can I be depressed and unable to cope when so many have it much tougher in life? But depression is not about logic, it's about chemical imbalance.  It's also an experience that is extremely real and unique to you and not to be evaluated against another person's. Share, not compare, your experiences - they are all valid.

Once I accepted that there was no such thing as a 'right to be depressed', that I just WAS depressed, I could stop fighting the unnecessary and debilitating argument in my mind and concentrate my energy on the more important and worthwhile journey of recovery.  I wish I had done this sooner. By not accepting I was simply, naturally and genuinely unwell, I was denying myself the chance to get well.

Thank you again for sharing your story, I wish you and your lovely family well in your journey with this.

[Loki]

Thankyou for the insight. Yes, my upbringing was colourful to say the least. And when my parents divorced, he put us all through years of terror. And now he also has a constant shake, so it is scary. I guess it is a matter of weighing it up, but my doctor is the only one I know who has knowledge of meds and is of course biased toward taking the risk of side effects. Still it is my decision, just can't make it!

[Loki]

Hello all, Here I am at the crack of dawn; again! I decided to log on to this forum to spill my racing thoughts.  I am full of nervous energy, and I am nervous because of it! I am rapidly losing weight. It generally signals a time in my life when I feel all the emotions, I can laugh at every little thing, and cry at a tiny insult. In the last few weeks I have become edgy, irritable and sleepless. Generally, this escalates till I am quite exhausted and sick, and I crash.I look back and see my depression only lifted in September after a year and a half. 

How is this fair. An increasingly short vacation in happiness and then back to my land of depression for longer and longer periods of time. I am doing everything I know to do, listening to music, drawing, excercising, eat really well, I rarely drink. I can't keep doing this to my family. I just want to stay in the middle somewhere. 

I have just decided to fill the script I have had in my bag for 6 months. Wish me luck. 

[Former-Member]

hello @Loki

Yes it is very hard to cross that path and take medication!!

dont read up on side effects. they only make you feel worse.

if taking new medication your pharmacist can assist with any major side effects to watch out for. of course different for everyone.

ashamed? sounds like you have taken notice of mental health stigma. Lose that thought. not helpful. yes there is mental illness. You are one of millions. you probably feel very alone and are even more scared because of your father's symptoms, journey etc.

this is about you though. you made the decision to  see your psychiatrist again. well done you reached a point where you recognised that you needed help. you sought that help.

Are you going to listen to what your psychiatrist has said? Do you trust your psychiatrist?

You must have complete faith in your psychiatrist if you are going to allow them to diagnose and prescribe medications.

talk to your psychiatrist about your concerns and how you have been in denial and not taking the medication.

then make a decision. are you going to continue to worry about possible side effects therefore not take medication or are you going to trust your psychiatrist and try this new medication for the period that your psychiatrist tells you, where you may start to see some benefits.

ask to see your psychiatrist more frequently to check on progress.

other option if you are not going to do as your psychiatrist prescribes seek other treatment elsewhere.

good luck with your choice.

[Loki]

Thankyou, I really do trust my G.P. and Psychiatrist and know they have my best interests at heart. Yet I can't shake the fear of never getting better ( in fact worse) without medication. I have to take thyroid tablets for the rest of my life, yet somehow I am ok with that. Logically I know that the meds address a chemical imbalance and there is no shame in that. It should not be so hard to accept and admit.

I need to work on that ( :

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Loki

I second what @Former-Member has written - a good relationship with your psychiatrist is important. Discuss your concerns with them.

It's good to hear that you are being proactive in addressing your mental illness. Remember, though, taking meds is not the be all and end all. Once you find that you're feeling stable, it might be possible (while working with your psychiatrist and/or psychiatrist) to take yourself of meds too. 

CB

[esprit]

Hi. It's a confusing time. It's good that you understand your cycles though. The highs can sometimes be a relief from the depression. You just wish you could stay somewhere in the middle. It's not fair when people suffer from any kind of illness but with any illness we have to address it whether it's high blood pressure or mental illness. Nothing to be ashamed of this is what I have learnt anyway. Do the best with what you have been given. It's great your on these forums as there are lots of people going through the same things regardless of background s. Best wishes xx