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03-10-2016 09:40 PM
03-10-2016 09:40 PM
No contact for 10 years- best decision, wish I'd done it earlier
My sister is undiagnosed BPD. The psychologist I saw on and off to cope with her behaviour over the years noted that it couldn't be confirmed unless she'd be properly diagnosed and of course that would never happen and everything was always someone else's fault. Having observed her behaviour for decades I was able to identify her patterns as being split across two subtypes: the Queen and the Bitch.
>I put up with her behaviour for as long as I could remember and her pattern was to phone extended family I was close too if I didn't do what she wanted, and then conduct a smear campaign with her as the victim. I would then receive phone calls from extended family I loved pressuring me to comply and since I loved them all, I wasn't prepared to lose them.
It finally took a year of counseling for me to make my decision to go 'no contact'. She'd made awful scenes at my daughter's a Christening and then her 1st birthday and it was the final straw.
>It was clear this was going to head down to the next generation with her children being treated as 'gods' and mine the 'poor country cousins'.....That's almost 10years ago and it's the best decision I ever made. I wish I'd done it decades earlier. I lost 1/2 of my family with the extended family who were conned by her depiction of me and refused to stay out of it all, sides with her.
It was painful but I came to realise that their inability to respect me or their relationships with me and stay out of it all since they never saw what really went on in another city where we lived, that my relationships with them weren't real. Haven't had any contact with them either and I have felt such freedom from being manipulated by my sister, Through their disapproval. My husband died suddenly last year leaving me with two small children and during the crisis and mess that followed, I didn't hear from my sister and I am so glad.my Mother's side of the family tried to make contact but I didn't want to be sucked back in or have my circumstances/ my husband gossiped about. My children's welfare came first and the three of us deserved more respect than that. In my case 'no contact' has made the difference between being constantly 'disapproved of' or nagged by my family since I refused to lie to them about how I felt and refused to discuss my sister- they simply aren't my values. <br><br>I am making it on my own with my children and the love of my Father's side of my family and it is the best thing for the children and myself. <br><br>It might have been easier to 'tow the line' but the resentment and anger would have destroyed my positivity and ability to be happy.<br><br>Cutting her out of my life has ensured that I have a decent one filled with the love of and for my children and my friends. <br><br>I am so so lucky to have been sensible enough to make that decision and have blossomed as a result.<br><br>I won't ever see her again and I am so so glad :))
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04-10-2016 12:15 AM
04-10-2016 12:15 AM
Re: No contact for 10 years- best decision, wish I'd done it earlier
Welcome to the forum Freesis.
Thanks for your very honest and thoughtful contribution. Sounds like you went through an awful time all those years back. Boundaries are so vital to live a peaceful life.
All the best
Joe
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06-10-2016 07:19 AM
06-10-2016 07:19 AM
Re: No contact for 10 years- best decision, wish I'd done it earlier
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06-10-2016 12:17 PM
06-10-2016 12:17 PM
Re: No contact for 10 years- best decision, wish I'd done it earlier
I do congratulate you on your decisive step. I found it a hard and painful business rejecting my family's value systems. My mother sister and brother were all narcissists, their demands on me never changed and my needs were totally irrelevant. Great damage was done to me by them until I was aged 29. My greatest shame is that I never had a positive role model. I forfeited abilities to talk, socialise, learning. I am convinced it led to what I now call a 90% waste of my personal life. I am full of profound remorse every day. I now understand clearly how I stuffed up in so many ways, and why it all happened.
However from age 30 I cut off all contact with all of them. Like you it's the best thing I ever did. I lost some really bad people who abused me all the time, including sexual.
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09-10-2016 10:59 AM
09-10-2016 10:59 AM
Re: No contact for 10 years- best decision, wish I'd done it earlier
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10-10-2016 09:42 AM
10-10-2016 09:42 AM
Re: No contact for 10 years- best decision, wish I'd done it earlier
Thank you Pip. Your comments speak to my condition very well indeed. Yes we have two kids who were brought up under a totally different value system. They both went through the system emerging with their degrees. They have both made a life for themselves in their own right. I'm so proud of the great strengths of their personalities. They are both great carers of and about their parents. None of us ever shouted or attacked or used words like "you should" or "you aught." No one was judgemental or implied it.
All this is the opposite to the destructive value system where I came from! However it bothers me greatly that what I'm saying is not taught by most parents or in any school. There is nothing out there to teach how to build self confidence and self esteem. Nearly80
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10-10-2016 05:06 PM
10-10-2016 05:06 PM
Re: No contact for 10 years- best decision, wish I'd done it earlier
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11-10-2016 04:11 PM
11-10-2016 04:11 PM
Re: No contact for 10 years- best decision, wish I'd done it earlier
Thank you Pip for your last post. We seem to have a lot of issues in common- would love to meet you! But no we can't. Having one's own family I found to be very rewarding, fulfilling and challenging. I realised That I only met one other family who shared our parenting views. I only ever was the custodians of our two kind. I never owned them. They grew up in the full knowing experience of not owing their parents anything. This attitude determined how we grew to respect our kids all along and how they found they defacto respected us. This is true to this day. It's been a privilege and honour to have had them. To this day I have not yet seen a/parents with this attitude. This makes me feel quite sad and helpless.