Lived Experience Forum

[AbbyJ123]

Hi

This is the first time I have engaged with these forums.  This is also the first time I have shared my entire story. 

In 2014 I weight was lifted off my shoulders when I was told I suffered from Bi Polar 2, and probably have for about 15 years. I have taken medication for depression since 2004, just after my son was born.  When I was told about Bi Polar it was so good to hear that I really had little choice for my horrible behaviour at times.  

I am currently transiting off one drug and onto another after a few months of rollarcoasting moods at rates I didn't even know was possible!  Over these past few months many things have been coming back to memory from when I was a teen to a young adult.  

I very open with my experiences of depression and abusive relationship, because they are things that I didn't ever forget.  While I did forget particular incidents of violence, I was totally aware of the violence and controlling behaviour within the relationship.

I have recently remembered other things and have sat here trying to type the words, but I just can't bring myself do to that yet. 

I am currently taking time off work while I tranisition my medication.  I'm confident the new medication is starting to kick in - but I hate that it isn't instant!  I'm very anxious about going back to work, super nervous.  Before I went on leave I know I fractured relationships within my work place, and while I won't excuse my behaviour, I know it would not have had happened had it not been for my mental illness.  I really want to get back to work because I love my job and am passionate about what i do, but I'm really nervous about the people I have to sit next to and who need to brief me upon my return. 

Does anyone have any tips for easing back into the workforce?

Really looking forward to engaging with people. 

AbbyJ123

[Sahara]

@AbbyJ123,

I think you should give yourself a pat on the back for how far you have come! It sounds to me like you have made a lot of sensible choices under difficult circumstances.

Well done for taking some time off to transition onto a new medication. It takes time for the body to adjust to something new. You sound very self-aware.

That's bad luck that you have some fractured relationships at you work-place. I'm guessing that you work full-time in a professional role. It sounds like they were probably really good to you... I'm just guessing this, as it seems you weren't fired from your job or anything. 

I would be extremely nervous going back to work, too. That's just me, though, I used to have a lot of anxiety around work... but now that I work for myself it's not quite as bad.

If you love your job and want to go back, then maybe you could go and see your boss and explain a few things so as they know that your behaviour was not exactly your fault. I would be very careful about telling them you have Bipolar, though. That is, unless they already know?

I would be worried about facing future discrimination because having a mental illness, you might get discretely 'passed over' for promotion in the future. Not all companies discriminate, but many do. You would be the best judge of the company you work for- you would know how ethical they are, if you have been there any length of time.

It all depends on how close you are to your work-mates and what went down with your behavior. I'm just guessing that you have not had a formal complaint put in about you or anything like that? Sorry to be so personal... it's up to you how much you want to reveal here on the forums. Obviously, you want to remain anonymous!

There have been quite a few discussions on Sane forums that deal with the issue of going back to work... it might be worth reading about other people's experiences. Everyone's experiences have been different.

Some work-places are excellent and others are not quite so good....

I think that if it were me, I would tell my boss that I had some health issues and that I was very stressed out with a 'family crisis' or something, but I don't think I would mention the Bipolar at this point. But I'd love to know what others here on Sane think of this?

I might be overly negative about work because I've had such bad experiences... 

Good luck, @AbbyJ123

and have a Happy Christmas.

[Zoe7]

@AbbyJ123 @Sahara

I have also been off work - for nearly 4 months. Once I reconciled myself with the fact that I couldn't work - I was too ill - I actually felt worse before I started feeling better. I have found the loneliness and disconnection the hardest to deal with. I was lucky to be able to visit my workplace a few times earlier on but then it just got too hard. This last week I have returned twice - for farewells and assemblies - each time it seemed a little easier and less like everyone was 'watching/judging' etc. No-one other than my boss know exactly why I am off work and she has been very supportive. I think others in my workplace would also be supportive but I don't want to be defined by my MI so I don't tell them. It would certainly help to explain my actions sometimes but I want to be able to do my job without the constant ups and downs - and the stress and anxiety running my life. I have begun to realise that until I am 'well' and ready I can't go back to work. This may take weeks or months (or even longer). In my situation it is possible to take some extended time off and even maybe go back part-time to start with. If you feel comfortable talking to your boss then maybe that would be a good start - I concer with Sahara - if your boss doesn't know about you having Bipolar then you are the only one who can judge if you should disclose this - depends so much on your relationship and your own feelings. In relation to your other workmates - are you able to have small visits at a time to see them and reconnect slowly. You may even be pleasantly surprised at their reactions and bit by bit restore the relationships. Goodluck  - stay connected here and keep posting x

[utopia]

Hi @AbbyJ123 & welcome to the forum.
Congratulations on having the courage to tell some of your story. There are people on this forum who will take a lot from your post & there are others here who have the same MI diagnosis. So hopefully you will be able to have some wonderful support here.
In relation to going back to work - 2 things I noticed in your post.
1 - that you may have damaged some working relationships before you took leave.
2 - your passion for your job.
Are you wanting to appologise to your work colleagues? If so, you could pull them all together at the start of your shift & say you are sorry for any words or actions that may have upset them. That you didn't mean to cause any pain. And then it might be a good time to explain a little about your mental health & how it affects you . It's a great opportunity to educate your work mates.
Or you may like to do similar on a one to one basis - with only certain people.
You may only want to say sorry and not disclose your MI. That is entirely up to you.
A lot of people are very supportive and acknowledge that MI is just another illness of the body, & will have no judgements.
Others may have fear of certain MI diagnosis, & / or, have incorrect information on what that means.
Some people will always have judgements.
You need to decide what you are comfortable sharing and with whom. Your psychologist or other Mental Health Worker can help you navigate through these questions.
Again, welcome to the forum.

[NikNik]

Hi @AbbyJ123

How are things travelling?

I hope you're seeing the changes with the medication. 

When are you back at work?

Take care,

Nik