Most of the last 13 years I spent grieving when I was alone, brushing away the tears, I have learnt how to turn the cold on full in the car and place the fans on my face so I don't look like I was crying for a long time.
I tried to ignore birthdays and anniversaries, I tried to be tough. I tried to compare myself and say how lucky I was to have had such a wonderful dad and that I had him at least until I got married.
I believed grief had a time limit, one year, everything else was just self pity and it shouldn't be hurting anymore and I should have moved on.
I have moved on but I still miss my dad. Not every day and I don't grief as often as I used to but it still hurts the same when the moment comes that I just cannot believe he has left. I didn't expect my dad to die at 53, I didn't expect to take the lead and help my mum with her grief, the funeral, moving homes, applying for pensions... I will never forget the day I went to the pension office and the lady behind the counter asked me if I needed to apply for orphan pension as well as my mums pension.
Well for anyone who still cries like a baby because of someone they've lost - I learnt this week it is ok, grief is ok, there is no time limit.
Happy Birthday Dad.
