Lived Experience Forum

[utopia]

Today I finally realised that I've been living in a fantasy world.
I thought I had reconnected to an old friend - my first love.
I thought we had been building a new friendship.
But this so called friendship was one sided. It was all one through social media. I had no phone number, no email, no address for this friend.
I could leave a message for him, but ultimately, I had to wait days for him to reply.
And I waited. Why? Why did I accept this as a basis for our so called friendship?
I guess it comes down to a need. So what need was I trying to fill?
Friendship. Love.
I guess I had a fantasy in my head of how we would fall in love - after all this time - & that old cliché of living happily ever after.
So why did I, a 46 year old, intelligent woman, who hasn't dated for years - fall for a fantasy? And not realise at the time that that's all it was?
Have I been alone for too long? Am I lonelier than I thought? Am I desperate?
I don't really know the answers to my own questions.
And as I lay here crying - because I'm sad, because it hurts, because ot never was what I thought it was - I just feel so stupid and lonely.
But I am a strong woman. This is not the hardest thing I've ever had to face - it's not even close.
So tonight I will mourn for what never was.
And tomorrow I'll take this as a lesson for the journey that I am on.
And I will pray that from now on, I will see things clearly, with my eyes open. And at the same time, I will still keep my heart open for love.

[Heart]

@utopia, Oh honey, I am offering you a shoulder to cry on. I would have to say the reason you fantasised about this working is because of your past experience with this person. Being your first love, remembering what it was like back then and wishing for it to be again. 

You are intelligent, loving, caring. Not desperate, may be a little lonely, not stupid. 

You are strong and loveable. 

Hugs to you.

[BlueBay]

Hugs love and support to you my friend @utopia 

I feel for you so much and wish I could help you.  I hope you're okay this morning.  

Hugs to you.  Thinking of you today and wishing you are okay. xxxooo

[Makeitstop]

Feeling and sharing your pain and struggles. Am being challenged to let go of a similar situation in my life at the moment.....
Thanks for sharing

[NikNik]

Oh @utopia I'm so sorry to read this.

The last thing you should think is that you are 'stupid'. There is nothing wrong with thinking about what you want out of  a friendship / relationship. When feelings emerge it's totally okay to think about what could be. It means you are open to love. That's a good thing! 

Being open and vulnerable is the only way friendships and relationships are formed. It's important though to have self respect and standards, so you're not treated poorly - which it sounds like you have! You noticed you weren't being treated the way you would like to be treated and have removed yourself. As much as it hurts - it is a great balance you have struck between being open to a relationship and not being walked all over.

I just hope this doesn't close you off to other opportunities in the future 

[utopia]

@NikNik

Thank you for your reply. And i agree with everything you said.

I think I just let my wish / fantasy get a bit overboard in my head.

When my psychologist and I discussed that I may be ready for a love relationship - I think I just hoped it would be my old friend. I guess the thought of him was easier for me to rationalise, than a stranger. Maybe a little less scary.

But I know that there are certain things I won't accept in any friendship - and that is the relationship not being equal. I think I gave my friend more chances, due to his background traumas and my dreams. But in the end, I don't want to have to chase someone, even to be a friend.

So, I live and learn. And I'll try and keep my heart and mind open, for when someone worthy of me comes along.

And sadness is good. Made me reflect on what I want.

[Queenie]

Dear @utopia just because you were wanting to rekindle something from the past, it doesn't make you stupid or desperate. I'm sure there's many of us who have done similar, I know I have with an old flame many times (even though they abused me time and time again). You search for something you want from them, but don't recieve from them, then blame yourself and put yourself at fault. It isn't your fault at all, you just searched for that something you need in the wrong place. 

So mourn the relationship you wanted, but never was and allow us to provide a virtual shoulder to cry on.

Sending you hugs (((utopia))) 

[utopia]

Thanks @Queenie.

Ive been 10 years on my own. So I thought I knew my stuff. I thought I already knew what I did and didn't want from a man. I thought I was too smart to be fooled. Wrong. No such thing.

But it wasn't his fault. I projected an image onto him. I was just wanting him to be the one.

I guess after 10 years, I am way out of practice.

But I have learnt that you can feel just like a 16 year old again. lol.

[Heart]

Hello @utopia, Reading through your last post, you have worked out what you do and don't want in a man. You realized that he wasn't The One. Please don't be so hard on yourself as you have grown but havn't quite realized how much.

Hugs to you.

[Heart]

@utopia, You finally added a picture to your profile, very nice. Did you paint that?