Lived Experience Forum

[LonelyExistance]

Hi all.
I'm here because I need help. Diagnosed with major depression, bpd, pschytzo affective disorder.
I have no-one in my life. No friends, and no family. I'm 42 now, 43 in May.
Since October last year I've been thinking more and more about suicide. I'm not sure if this is a place where we can talk about things like that, but I feel I have to try. I guess I'll find out soon if it's not.
I don't feel I can talk to anyone at lifeline. I spoke to someone at lifeline a long time ago when I was feeling suicidal. The next day I went to church, and everyone was giving me strange looks, and offering sympathy. I found out that day that the person I'd been speaking to at lifeline was a member of the church. And the entire congregation was told about what I'd talked about. Long story short, I have major trust issues with them now.
Just to make it clear I'm not in any immediate danger of self harm now. It's more of a plan in the next few months. That's kind of my concern. I've thought about suicide on and off over the years, but any previous attempts have been from an emotional reaction to things that have happened at those times. This time it's not through an emotional reaction.
Anyway, the reason I'm saying this here is because I've got no-one to talk to. And I'm hoping maybe someone will be able to talk to me about it here.
I apologise if this brings up any personal issues of any kind for anyone that reads this. I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, just trying to find a reason, ANY reason to not go ahead with it

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @LonelyExistance,

Welcome to the forums, I am glad you found us. Hopefully this can be a place where you feel welcomed and find some connection with others that you describe not feeling anywhere else.

This is a place where you can discuss suicide and suicidal thoughts / feelings but just to let you know we don't allow any mention of methods of suicide / self harm or specific descriptions of it to be discussed on the forums as it can become triggering for other members who are vulnerable. Also importantly we are not a crisis service so if there is any immediate danger then the forums are not an appropriate source of support as we are unable to respond immediately, instead we will direct you to a helpline who can actively intervene to try to help keep you safe in the moment. It is described a little more eloquently in the community guidelines here and if you have concerns then you can always email us mods on team@saneforums.org.au

i was sorry to hear about your experience with lifeline, im not sure if you know but there are other helplines available as well such as beyond blue 1300 22 4636  or via webchat  (24/7) suicide call back service 1300 659 467 (24/7) and sane helpline above during business hours

but as you say you are not in that danger zone at this very moment, maybe you can tell us a little about who you are and the challenges that have led you to here? 

[mandy84]

Hi @LonelyExistance, keep moving fwd

[LonelyExistance]

Thanks Mandy. I always try, there just seems to be so much holding me in the past. I've tried for a lot of years to "get over it" as so many people like to say. I still haven't found a way to do that though lol If I knew how to I would. I went through nearly 3yrs of psychotherapy to help get over the death of my daughter. And being constantly bullied both at school, and at home by my stepfather. He used to come home several times a week, every week in a bad mood. He liked to take his aggression out on me with his belt. There were times I probably deserved to be disciplined, not to the extent that he went to though.
The actual hypnotherapy with the psychotherapy shocked me. Maybe that's why the therapy didn't really seem to work.
Every session for the 1st 12 months he was telling me to smash the skulls of the bullies at school, and my stepfather while I was under hypnosis. And I did. It felt so wrong doing it but I went along with it because I was so desperate to work on my anxiety, stress, and anger issues.
There's a lot more making it difficult for me to move on. I won't go into all that now though.
Thanks for saying hi 😌

[Former-Member]

"smash heads" in therapy, gosh, I'd find someone else. That's way too confronting and just wrong 😞

[LonelyExistance]

Yeah I agree. He also ended up taking me into my subconscious. That was another thing he should never have done.
I spoke to a clinical psychologist about it once during my first hospital admittance. She told me that it could've been the reason why my life ended up crashing down around me. I started talking about taking him to court to have his licence revoked. I found it interesting that the clinical psychologist said she'd never said anything like him taking me into my subconscious possibly being the cause once I'd mentioned court

[Former-Member]

Interesting, I was in a relationship with a psychologist (who I found out later was married), i had a breakdown the samr year, my life has never been the same since, b#stard

[LonelyExistance]

Wow that's harsh. I don't mean you calling him a b#stard. I'm talking about him being married. You'd think a psychologist would know better considering the damage that could do to someone

[Former-Member]

Yep, pig! Sorry, venting now, it was a long time ago, somewhat naïve then, should have read more romance novels lol I had a male psychologist last year, he was highly recommended so I tried to ignore it for my 10 visits, and he was extremely professional, but never trusted him enough for certain key topics so moved on, found a mature age psych closer to home, better, plus she only charges the rebate.
Gotta go see what dogs barking at
How'd

[LonelyExistance]

It's all good. By the sounds of things you should vent about him. Better that than keeping it inside. Trust in your instincts, that's what I've come to learn. I've ignored my instincts a few times, and each time I regretted it 😌