Lived Experience Forum

[Whim]

Hi all.

It's been a while since I last posted. My hubby left yesterday for work, and I awoke yesterday in tears at the idea of him going. We are a FIFO family, with a six year old boy, a dog, and the usual family stuff that goes on, making the cogs turn, even if we don't always want them to.

I thought I had my depression and anxiety under control, on yet another drug, for a short while, but am now not so sure. To give anyone who hasn't heard from me before, I am early forties, a daughter, a Mum, a wife, and I hope a friend.

I have MJD and Anxiety. I've struggled I believe since my 11's or 12's, sent to boarding school and reacting very badly to absent parents. In the last 20 years I have pinged and ponged between accepting my depression and not. the irony is I am a mental health therapist. Oh! The irony!

I'm seeing a really good clin psych, but he is challenging me. He wants me to give up my hard-core meds that I have due to 2 back surgeries, which I keep to end it. That's what makes him good I guess, able to hit the core of the issue. I constantly think about the end, and yet my biggest fear is leaving my beautiful boy. Tonight, my son couldn't find me, I was out back hanging out washing, and only 30 seconds passed before I reached his calls but he was in tears. He said that he thought I had left. He looked at me and said that he knew I was going to die, and that he would be half my age when I do, and that he would cry at my grave. I was floored. I believe in other senses, and fear he sees something real. And yet it's ALL such a juxtaposition, because I have such a relationship with the idea of the end, and yet, when my boy is grief stricken at the idea of my death, I feel so sad. 

As is probably obvious, I'm a very confused person! I'm so lonely, so confused, and so sad. I know many of you will get that.... I so wish that I didn't feel the stigma of MI, and again I know you will understand that. We changed our private health about 3 years ago to not include MI hospitalisation etc, and yet I know I need it. I am a grumpy, self-absorbed, self-hitting person who doesn't know how to get thorugh a day. The irony.... I've given others on this amazing site advice, but right now I'm reeling. I just don't know what to do.

I'm been wondering whether to post this or not. I've decided to do so, because even one reply will mean so much. I don't know how to stop this spiral, and it's a pulling one. 

Please know that even if I can't support you right now, I'm thinking of you all.

Whim x

[Queenie]

Oh @Whim I really feel for you being the wife of a FIFO husband.I honestly don't know how you do it! Everytime he leaves, I would fall in a heap. 

I think you've got yourself a very good clin psych there. Sounds like a keeper! It also sounds like as much as you think about ending it, you had a realisation there about your son and how devastated he'd be without you. I'd be holding onto that if you can because you are a loved and valued person.

Is there some way you can reassess your private health cover and get extra cover for psychiatric hospitalisations? I have cover for this and find it does me the world of good when I need it. 

Don't worry about replying to posts so much, you took courage and effort to post this thread and well done to you for that. I'm sure you'll get replies, as people here care about you and you're a much valued member of the boards. x

[Former-Member]

Hi @Whim

I'm sorry if this isnt very helpful right from the start.

I've struggled a lot lately and have similar confusions.. Sometimes i think having an end in sight is some sort of a comfort in a way... that there is an end to pain... but like you have little ones who i cant bear to hurt. 

being in FIFO familiy is difficult, so I would say it wouldnt be unusual to be sad when your partner leaves. Im a single mum and its really hard to parent on your own. 

Even though your psych is pushing you, it sounds kind of like you are happy that he is? But still needs to go at a pace that you can handle. 

here listening anyways, even if this is no help sorry!

lj

[Former-Member]

Hi @Whim,

its good to see you back. I experience much the same as you do. This year I handed over most of my stash but not all. I couldn't come to relinquish some for the same reasons. I still need an out if needed. But it is a double edged sword because it comforts me at times and it calls me other times. I think your psych is doing a wonderful job if they are helping you to give it up. I'm sorry things are really tough again 💜🤗

[utopia]

Hi @Whim. Im so glad you posted here.
We all go through highs and lows. Sometimes we are doing really well & then .... crash.
It sounds like it might be time for a review - ofyour meds and your ttreatment plan.
I know I don't react well to change - especially when I'm in a depressive spiral. And I would find the flfo lifestyle very hard. No wonder there are days where the tears just flow.
Some days suck more than others.
I'm a single mum - a bit like you for part of the month. And it's bloody hard having soul responsibility for another person - especially when you're struggling to keep yourself upright.
It sounds like you are having more suicidal thoughts lately. Is that right?
Can you talk to your psych about this tomorrow & see what he recommends. What about talking with your husband. Does he have an understanding of your MI? Is he able to help take some of the burden off you at the moment?
I wonder if you would consider a hospital stay - to get your meds evaluated and give you a rest?