Day Dreamer; Night Wanderer

[deshift]

I'm super triggered now.

The theory is that showing you are listening to the participant is helping them to validate their experience. But I find it patronising, and that it invalidates me as a human being, treating me as an obstacle that needs correction.

There is such a focus on outcomes, because that is quantifiable.

It ticks the box, and suits in Canberra can justify funding continues.

The examples required for active listening, is every response to my posts in this thread. Which if people actually read, I would know they had. I understand that you have a limited availability and limited resources and limited time with which to support those that participate, (insert angry assessment) deleted.


@Jynx 

[Jynx]

I tend to agree @deshift it's an awful thing to be considered a statistic, and not a human in need of safety, connection, and support. I know for me personally, I prefer it if folks tell me if I'm being patronising, or otherwise missing the mark when it comes to providing support. 

And also, if you do have feedback about the forums please do let us know - there's a form here. We're in the process of improving the forums at present so really value any and all feedback, cos we do want this community to be a positive experience for all our members. 

[deshift]

@Jynx  I have already applied to be given a chance to help provide feedback.

The established community here seems insular, that or maybe the demographic is narrower than I would like.

The way people speak about what is normal in a large majority of the posts are very distant from my experience. People talking about going overseas, going to work, actually having things to do during the day, being able to speak to family, studying, doing chores without support workers, complaining about their negative experience with the NDIS; none of those things resonate with me even remotely.

The outlying threads that are just a stream of consciousness, where nobody pays them any attention, are the posts I most strongly relate to, and I am angry I guess that they are each of them isolated in a space meant to be communal.

As I said in a post above, deleted.

[Jynx]

That's a valuable observation @deshift and I'm really glad that you're here to ensure it is heard. I'll probably be copying the post and passing it up the chain as something worth addressing in the future. 

I also just want to express that to me, your passion is pretty moving. Like, I really resonate with how deeply you care about others and how much you want to fight for things to be better. I'm glad you have found some resonance with some of the posts/members here, even if it's not those within the majority. 

I'm not quite sure what you mean when you say deleted?

[deshift]

Usually I write something that could be considered offensive, or a mental quip, or against community guidelines, and I delete it, but I feel obfuscated and do not wish to reframe my communication to appease someone else, so they don't need my comment, but it looks weird, so I write "deleted".

I'm probably going to the UMHCC tonight. I'm trying not to, but deleted.

[Jynx]

Gotcha thanks for the insight @deshift. 

I'm sorry it's gotten to this point of intensity for you, but I'm also glad that you are taking steps to look after yourself. I hope you get the care you need. I'm off for tonight, but it's been nice hearing more about you and how you move through the world. I look forward to continuing to connect - and I am always keen for more conversations about D&D in the future too! 💜

[deshift]

It's okay, and thank you for your concern and wishes. @Jynx 

I was angry at all the obvious things in my life, and they all piled up. I was a column of support to my own comfort and safety, and I saw no escape from just standing like a f'ing tree holding the whole thing upright. I want to achieve things, and speaking about it here, brought it all up. Speaking about recovery triggered me. Speaking about the injustice triggered me. Seeing everybody here speak of their daily accomplishments triggered me. And I remembered that I was terrified of doing well, because every time I am doing well, it all comes crashing down, and the pain and suffering only compounds each time, making everything worse, and breaking me more then I was broken before.

But I'm getting pretty good at putting it all back together quickly. And I want to risk the discomfort to expand my achievements. I want to set lofty goals, that previously seemed grandiose, and now seem within my grasp. I'm actually doing really well, and I say it everyday when I complete my self help check list, but I didn't actually let it sink in. I'm doing well now, and perhaps I can do even more betterer? In fact I know I can do more with some more help and some effort, and intent, and magic, and hope, and tears, and bite-sized chunks of discomfort. I'm pretty much good to go and it's really scary. 

😭

I'm sorry if my angry mood upset anyone, or if I spoke out of turn. It's not how I like to see myself. I'm biased, and I aim to be balanced.

I want to initiate the project Program C.I.E.E. which is a workshop based psychological tool I've invented that helps you to control unwanted emotions. I've coined it Program CIEE which is an acronym that stands for Controlling Ideas & Emotions through Experiences. It's mechanics are based around the counteraction of an unwanted emotion, with a desirable opposing emotion, that is achieved through visualising a strong memory, and linking it to a somatic command that can be used stealthily later at the early onset of said unwanted emotion. It requires an experienced instructor and a personalised workbook to reflect as a resource in times of duress.

I've wanted to run these workshops for a long time, and until now, I have thought any major project completely unattainable. If it is successful there is only more scope for even more projects, each larger than the last. I was choking on my own words earlier, it made me sick to see myself bow out of trying. Once I realised how angry I was at myself, and why, it subsided, and the motivation crept in and replaced it. I need to remember how this feels, it is significant to me. I am significant to me. I would like to be significant to others than I have not yet met. I am a born leader, and I need to stand in it. I never had respect from others, because I didn't give it to myself. That has changed now. A lot has changed now.

A lot will change even more.

😥
deshift

[deshift]

(deleted).

[Jynx]

@deshift I totally get you on the, 'terrified of doing well' thing. Myself and many of my friends who are also in recovery have spoken about it, this idea of like...what's the point, I'm always going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. A concept that helped me was in terms of how trauma-brain works. It's whole gig is to try to protect us and so sometimes, that includes from the good stuff because 'what if it all goes wrong again?' 

But you have also demonstrated that other side of the coin, which is that...well, maybe it will go wrong again (it also might not, and convincing trauma-brain of this can prove challenging lol).  But the difference is that I am not the same person as I was back then. I'm always learning new skills for recovery, always honing my resilience and getting better at picking myself up after the fall. For me, that's what recovery is - practicing skills, getting better at regulating and re-shaping my thoughts and behaviours. I like that you say you are willing to risk the discomfort - in my experience, all progress takes place outside of the comfort zone. So kudos to you for your ambition and resolve. 

I really like the sound of CIEE, I'd be so curious to see where you take it! It reminds me somewhat of memory rescripting, which has been super successful for one of my friends in particular. Have you heard of it? 

Your empowerment is truly inspiring 💜

[deshift]

Thank you @Jynx !

I think you really nailed the gist of what I am speaking about.

I have not heard of memory rescripting no. (quick search on wikipedia...) That sounds like it would not work with me at all, and it even sounds dangerous. If someone attempted that with me, I would never interact with them again.

(deleted).