Lived Experience Forum

[Chris]

Since July of this year my depression has worsened and deepened. I have been hospitalized twice for a month each time for ect which basically didnt work. Since then i have constantly battled with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. I have felt like it is all in the too hard basket, and past my useby date. I just cant keep going. But I'm still here!

How? Thankful to my long suffering psychiatrist, emailing him several times a week. Letting him pull out the important bits in my session. But he has moved interstate in the last few weeks so that has presented me with another problem.

My psychologist who has provided me with practical help. She put me in touch with the mental health crisis team. They have been very suportive calling me each day. Checking on now i am, and what my plans are for the next 24hrs. I have had a interview with them and they were very encouraging on the small positives ive made as well as giving me some practical advice. It has made a huge difference having this daily contact. Someone cares.

How do i manage the increase,  so incredably  strong thoughts? I think about each family member and how would they feel, react to me taking my life. When it comes to it, I ask myself do i really want to die? Or is it that i just want things to change,  want some relief?  Mindfulness practice sooner rather than later. Be in the moment. I feel stuck in the chair, its the safest place to be. So focus on how i am sitting, body scan. Focus on my breath. Distraction, do some embroidery. I like to watch cat videos on youtube. They always make me smile. Encourage myself. I can do this. I can work through this moment by moment. Sometime i contact lifeline chat line. It gets the thoughts out of my head. I have the emergency contact numbers if it gets too much. Observe the early warning signs and impliment these things sooner rather than later.

I dont pretend this is easy when you are in the middle of a crisis. It isnt. I find it near on impossible to confide in family how i am feeling. 1 i dont want to worry them and 2 it feels like i am attention seeking to keep repeating i feel suicidal, and leaves them feel helpless as what to do.So after all this time i am still here.  Ever so slowly i am feeling a little better each day. As long as there is that pin head of hope. Hope can grow and the light be ever so brighter.

I hope this can help someone who feels all is lost. Im here to tell you you can regain hope. Allow those that can help and support you into inner world.

[Former-Member]

I have had major depression,three times I was going into hospital because of concerns or doctor/psychologist,once because I felt I had to.I have suicidal thoughts constantly myself an hour ago I got distressed because I had the sudden strong thought I wanted to be with my animals who have long been gone.The thought just came from nowhere,it's like I have no control over it.I have many similar.I always hate Xmas ,I am spending it on my own.Im trying to see hope,but I'm finding it very hard to see a future.I cannot handle the psychologist at the moment due to my depression,and don't want my hear optimistic crap that I no longer believe is doing me any good.I believe I am in a no win situation,due to nothing going right no matter what I do
Sounds like you are fortunate to have a family who loves you.Thanks for your insight and sharing your thoughts .Sounds like you have a good mental health team,which from experience makes a big difference.

[utopia]

@Chris - what a great positive post. It just goes to show - we don't need things to be 'perfect' to cope with life.
can't get out of the chair - mindfulness or body scan. Great ideas.
It's so important to have tge support of a good team looking after you. I'm glad your local mental health team is by your side.
Keep up the fantastic work.

[utopia]

@BlueBay @Former-Member @Former-Member @Kurra. Thought you might like to read the above post by @Chris

[Zoe7]

@Chris Amazingly well written and insightful - keep the hope alive and the light growing

[Appleblossom]

Glad that you keep popping in @Chris

I have had similar intrusive thoughts from nowhere about being close to the ones I love too .. but @Former-Member YOUR profile pic looks really like my first ever pet.  His name was Jai I lived with him from 24 to 30.  Thanks for reminding me of him .. he kept me company when I was at uni.

[Chris]

Hi Li1. I hear your distress. Your frustration. Your loneleness. But you are still here. Some how you are getting through those awful insidious moments of just not wanting to be here anymore. You are still here. Clinging on to life. You are reaching out through this forum. And i hear you. You are not alone. But i know how much you need someone right there with you. In my worst moments i need someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. But dispite family is around i cant ask for what i want. As a result i feel very alone. This is where the mental health team has helped. Its someone who cares. I have felt there compasion and kindness. There call daily has given me something to hold on to. I know you say you cant handle your psychologist  at the moment, but it is someone who can help. Can you tell them straight this is how it isright now, and you just need them to listen and acknowledge what you say. It helps to get these thoughts out of your head and verbalise it. Is it possible  for you to get another pet? They are truely amazing. Mine picks up when im at my worst and gives me cuddles. Hes not normally like that. They can be a great source of comfort. I know what it feels like that i cant do anything right. The frustration and the dispair.  The feeling like it will  ever end. Those sudden urges to end it all. Somewhere in there for me is this sutle awareness of aceptance. Acceptance of this is how i feel right now , and it will pass. It kind of brings in a calmness and gets me through. I dont know if that makes sence. Please know i am thinking of you as im sure others on this forum is too.

[Former-Member]

Hi Chris,

My  bad experiences earlier this year with my mental health nurse has taken away the trust I had in the counselling process.I go to the psychologist who is good,but I feel little after so long that anyone can help me.I changed my life three years ago with the help of the mental health nurse,it made my life worse,not better .As stated on this website,he advised me when I moved to put my cats to sleep.If I went ahead with that they are the one thing that kept me here.My male cat just turned up,he was gone all day,I was worried.I started doing psychology years ago,one of the principles was non judgmentalism.I have seen the opposite.Its not help.I will go in January,I feel I need this time to myself as I am worried if I can ever get a life and feeding my head with how everything will be "okey dokey" at the moment I don't want to hear.I would love a dog but can't afford it .Unless I get a job,or see a future I can't commit to a dog I worry what willl happen to my cats if anything happens to me.

[Former-Member]

A pet is someone for you to love who will love you back. Awaken those feelings of love. A cliche, but love helps us endure pain.

[Appleblossom]

Hi @Former-Member

Yes studying a little helps us understand the role better.  I too am less trusting of the process.  I have to face it tho, it was pure desperation that kept me going, not their skills, empathy or anything .. it was my need.

In the last year I have had some more psychology sessions again ... but feeling that one of them may not have much more to offer .. so ..

I now think of my medicare .. and any free counselling entitlements that I have .. in a stingy way .. that it is my right ... now ... finally .. to have some expectations .. and not just sign the form .. for any pretty chic or dude sitting in an office.

Learning to take care of ourselves in therapy ... hah ... thats work too ...