What deep depression reads like. TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide.

[florencefifty]

I don’t know why, but I enjoy writing these. I have been told that you enjoy reading them.

I don’t have the energy to go all Stephen King on you, but I’ll try.

I’ll put my hands up and admit. I have been suicidal. Passively. 

It’s been surrounding me. Literally.

I saw an online post warning people that someone had taken their own lives and that a crime scene was in place. Someone commented asking whether they were talking about a suicide right near their home. The person that wrote the original post said no, he was referring to a different one, meaning that there was two suicides in very close proximity to each other on one night. Very close to my office. I went to work the next day. I felt sick, knowing that two people died overnight.

I can feel it getting closer.

I have been getting worse at work. The other day I came back from my fiteen-minute break ten minutes late. To be fair, I hadn’t had breakfast. I was eating half the time. Shows how well organised I am. I am on the late shift, so my break doesn’t come until almost 12:00PM. My lunch break is at like 2:15PM! I don’t really care if I’m late, I’m not going that damn long without a gigantic bacon and egg roll.

That’s the theme. I don’t care. Does it matter when you die, whether you were a punctual person? Obviously that’s an oversimplification of how I’m thinking, but you know what I mean.

Furthermore, I feel like I fit the bill. If you looked at me, you would think “hmm, he’s not exactly going to be the oldest man alive.” 

I feel hopeless. People like to hope for the happy ending, but that’s not always how it happens. It’s not a movie, unfortunately. 

I never know how to feel when I hear people describe violent offenders as loners, and people who were bullied as children. That describes me pretty damn well. I don’t have any plans to become a violent offender. That’s not my point. My point is that life doesn’t always work out the way you would hope.

I really need to see my psychologist already…

I’m safe. My suicidality is not the type that would make me an immediate danger to myself. However, life is getting unbearable the way my Depression is now. 

[Asgard]

Hi @florencefifty 

Nice to meet you and I have to ask are you in a safe place now.  I get how you are feeling, I was in that very dark place where I couldn't see any future for me.  Nothing mattered and I felt lost and empty inside.  Am in a better place now, it has taken 2 years or so but I found that opening up to people about how i was feeling really helped me.  I used to wear so many masks that no one knew how I felt, but I finally let go and spoke with my friends about the darkness in my life.  You will be surprised, but people do care about you................Asgard

[Ru-bee]

Hi @florencefifty 

Hearing about those two deaths sounds like it was quite confronting for you, which is very understandable given their proximity to your work and your own passive suicidal ideation.

I hear that you don't feel that you're in immediate danger, though I am concerned as you note that feeling of it coming closer. Do you currently have a session booked in with your psychologist?

Do you have any other supports that have helped in the past?

As @Asgard shared, there are ways to come back from these dark periods, even if it doesn't seem possible to see that light when we're in the middle of it.

[MermaidHair]

Hello @florencefifty,

I do very much enjoy reading your writing and I'm glad you enjoy writing it too, it seems like it's a good outlet for you. I can relate to that.

The suicides being so close to home (or work) I can only imagine how confronting that is. Thanks for letting us know you are safe 🙏

Have you still not seen your psychologist since last time you mentioned it? I hope you will get in with them soon 💜

[DownMoreThanUp]

As someone who has suffered from suicidal depression many times,  i know how important it is not to agree with suicidal feelings, ever, rather than try not to have them, for such can be down right impossible to achieve. Where you kind of let the suicidal feelings split you in two, where you love yourself where you want to die with the self who understands things will get better.

For i know that depression comes in bouts, though such bouts can be very long, my worst one was 7 long years, rock bottom! (when i did not know yet that AD's made things worse for me, not better.)

And as the depression passes the want to die will pass again, as all life loves to living naturally, but not in anguish. The trick to survive is to give yourself what you need most - LOVE, KINDNESS, FORGIVENESS, UNDERSTANDING, and refuse to let the depression tear you apart, remain united within yourself about yourself. You are a living being, so overcoming bad/hard/cruel/loveless/ life automatically instills good life in to you, even if you cannot see that now because bad life has stolen your focus on good life away lying to you about everything, even when depression, uses what you think is the truth, it lies.

What is important that you do not deny yourself the right to feel suicidal, or keep such feelings for yourself, not sharing them with loved ones. (Sadly my brother in law did that, and left a wife and three children totally bereft when he made a end to his life. He refused to share his inner bad life and sadly it got the best of him, and brought his three children much grief.)

So good on you sharing your feelings about this, and being open and honest about times which were not good for you to have to go through. So please give yourself a big hug today, and tell yourself what a great person you are resisting bad life pressing, and never agree with suicidal thoughts, and if you did when suicidal speak yourself out of such times, forgiving yourself your fall.

For i learned to understand never to isolate myself within, from within, but always seek to unite my cut off self again, with my self when not depressed.

Please do make sure that if you are feeling suicidal, that you warn others about that, so that more people look after you during such times than just yourself.

If you need to vent when you are depressed, throw me a line, i do not mind hearing people struggle with bad life, yet i might be able to give you some support.

Take care.