Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[SJT63]

@HoneyOne 

I really feel like he's cheating on me, just not in person with anyone yet. I've been reading about bipolar hypersexuality and I'm pretty sure that's what's going on. Last night he had a hissy fit because he was having trouble cutting out the carbon fibre strips for the tailplane leading edges straight enough - then I reckon faked an upset stomach so that he could barrade himself in the bedroom - before dinner. I could hear his phone pinging non-stop and he never, ever leaves it lying around any more, so I slept in the boys' room.

One of my least favourite but regular games used to be "where is my phone - no point calling it, it's flat" but now it's never out of his pocket. The fact that he hasn't lost his phone or left it in the model room charging overnight for about a fortnight is the biggest tell.

He sees his doctor today and I've prewarned her that while the moods are not as violent or as long lasting, they are probably still as frequent. I also filled her in on the love life in case it helps her. All I really need her to do is press home the point that he needs to see the psychologist again - and make up her own mine if we are still waiting to see the full effect of the new med.

I finally did write to Mark yesterday about the physical side of our relationship. I have no idea if he's read it, but I rather fancy not yet given that he was relatively brazen about phone out/pants off/door shut last night. It's too long to reproduce in it's entirety, but I started with the scientific approach:

If you want statistics; well you know my penchant for record keeping 

In the last 14 weeks we have tried 17 times for only 7 successful outcomes. That means 10 times out of the 17 (60%) that we have tried to make love it has ended with you getting upset about some inconsequential thing that has gone a little bit wrong and then having a go at me about something unrelated. I don't complain or criticise you when it hasn’t worked out yet many times over I have been told that trying to make love me with me is a waste of your time.

I think you are right; and can you please try to understand why the process has become a source of anxiety for me rather than pleasure?

I explained how the last few encounters we'd had were overshadowed by the fact that he'd left the list out and that I'd tried really hard to be more receptive as a result but that it still ended badly. The list explained why he was getting so furious with me if I accidentally caught him at it. I said it was eating away at me such that I couldn't keep silent. I then asked him to decide what the nature of our relationship moving forward was going to be.

I see us happily growing old together but I need to know if we are moving forward as lovers or as friends. I am always going to want to be your friend, whatever you decide, so you are in no danger of being turfed out on your ear if you choose to find intimacy elsewhere.

However, you do need to choose. I am not going to devalue myself enough to say it’s ok for you to sleep around and still sleep with me but I do understand if trying to sleep with me has become too hard.

If we are just friends, then you don’t need to hide anything from me, because you will have no commitment to be faithful to me in that way. Neither of us need to feel ashamed or guilty.

Don’t answer immediately. Don’t go with your gut reaction. Please spend time working out what you really want for our future. Think about why you are with me. If you can still stay at my house and enjoy the garden, the shed and my cooking, do you still want a physical relationship with me?

If it is as stressful for you as it is for me, then please say so because at the moment I believe we are both going through agony trying to make our sex life work.

The bit about "not devaluing myself" came from you. So thank you. I really don't think I can be more fair or compassionate than that.

I've had a couple of text messages today because he wants me to make a 20 minute detour on my way home to pick up a metre of 2mm thin walled brass tubing on my way home. St Sally the Martyr to the rescue one again. I bet sexy_luna69 wouldn't go out of her way to buy modelling supplies and then still come home and cook dinner. Although I've just realised I forgot to get some meat out of the freezer this morning...and I gave him carbonara last night because I'd forgotten to get something out of the freezer yesterday.

Something with pumpkin it is then... tempura veg fritters? We grow all our own veg so there's always plenty of that. Stupid me brought home a tomato seedling last October for my aspy boyfriend in the hope he might get a bit of exercise during the day and now the entire back yard and most of the front is under cultivation. 

Now I'm waffling. Sorry. 

Hoo roo

[HoneyOne]

Hi @SJT63 

I'm reading a lot of upset in your last message. I am so sorry that your pain continues.

I'm really keen to know how your partner's appointment went today. Any progress?

As has become my custom, I would love to offer some words of solace and advice, after I explain where they come from....

I've been sick for the week. My voice has progressively gotten weaker and hoarser, and now I don't have a voice at all.

This is how I came to be unwell.

My partner's parents were sick. My partner visited his parents many times. My partner got sick. My partner failed to tell me he was feeling sick and my partner failed to modify his behaviour to ensure I didn't get whatever he had.

After the 2 weeks of dental pain, to be sick again...soul destroying for me. 

I'm the person who was carrying antibacterial handwipes long before this pandemic.

Anyway....

I woke up with NO voice this morning. And he was about to head out for the entire day. I was overwhelmed with the feeling I had become a prisoner. I was no longer able to even speak with the outside word.

So this morning, I when he asked me if there was anything he could do. I asked him to cancel his plans and spend the day with me resting.

And he did. Without complaining. It was nice, well as nice as it can be under the circumstances.

After all the times I have spent in bed when he's been off the rails, it was really nice to have it reciprocated for just one day.

And all I needed to do was ask. That was the hardest part.

I'm so use to being the one with the answers and the strength. Today I had neither.  And I survived.

Honestly, today was only possible because the new medication has created some calm.

But to give myself some credit, I went out on a limb and asked for help and support.

So this is the area of personal development that I'm being offered as part of this relationship - getting clear on my needs and wants and learning how to clearly communicate them.

What I've noticed with my partner is sometime the most obvious or logical thing eludes him (or the conversation). So when I'm not 100% clear (even when the thing in question is so obvious) it creates friction. This friction comes from a place where I don't feel worthy of love.

We are both pragmatic, logical women. I know for me, connecting with my emotions has always been the struggle, so now I'm trying to do more of that. My logical brain is always there on standby if needed.

Now back to you...

Your last few posts have mentioned very little about you.... your wants, your needs, your dreams for the future.

Specifically this last post put the ball almost 100% in his court. That's how I'm reading it anyway.

I wish I could tell you in person how great you are.... just your cooking repertoire has me impressed.

And you know what else... I've been feeling really unsexy lately too. Because I've been stressed, tired and neglecting my own needs. I've mentioned my holey shirts before.

Sexy is actually a state of mind. I learnt this as a flight attendant. The women believed they were sexy and so they were. The spent a lot of time, energy and money on feeling sexy and so they were.

You have a lot to offer. A LOT!

What are your hopes for the next 10 years, specifically? What's required for you to get to the goals you set for yourself?

How good are you at asking for help? Can you use your talent to get your partner the expert help he needs?

I really don't like it that you're feeling so low about yourself. 

I hope some of that is useful/helpful.

Chat soon,

xx

[SJT63]

@HoneyOne darling girl my heart is breaking for you being so sick on top of everything else you've had to deal with. I'm one of those people that arrives with chicken soup in times like these and then cleans your toilet while I'm there. That's why it's easier not to have friends, you don't have to keep helping them 🙂

I'm so use to being the one with the answers and the strength. Today I had neither.  And I survived.

I sometimes indulge myself with an evening in bed when I get home from work. I tell Mark I've "run out of strong" and he will usually leave me alone for a couple of hours. I think he thinks it's because I've had hard day at the office and I don't disabuse him. That's when life is working normally. Today is my working from home day, but he comes in every 5 minutes to tell me the latest thought that's popped into his head. Last week I went into the office anyway. Actually quite nice when I'm there on my own and my boys are not barking questions or instructions at me.

Dr S has upped the dose of the stabilizers so we live in hope. He really isn't as bad as he was a few weeks ago, I haven't been physically threatened in at least a fortnight. Yesterday he asked me if he'd ever hit me. It's bit shocking to think he doesn't know, but at least he knows he is capable of it, which is a step towards not doing it I think. And no, he hasn't actually gone that far, even when he's been physical.

This friction comes from a place where I don't feel worthy of love. 

Seriously, my first primal reaction to that statement is "so? does anybody? are we supposed to?" but then rational me tells me of course we are. Blah blah, self-esteem ............... it's a tricky one.

Like, I know I am really, really (genuinely at a professional level) good at doing a lot of stuff. That doesn't make me likeable, it just makes me a smarty pants. Ergo, most of the stuff that I do I do for other people in the hope that it will make me likeable. The modification I have made in the last couple of years is to not do absolutely everything anyone asks me to do and take my chances. I'm ok with that.

My problem is slightly different to yours in that I am almost too intimately connected to my emotions and the emotions of those around me. If you cry I'm in tears right there with you (or vomit or speak with an accent, both of which present a problem if I'm not careful). I not only take on board the emotional baggage of everyone around me, I have an almost irrisitible urge to try and make it better. I am usually so loaded up with assessing the needs and wants of everyone I've ever met that mine are too faded to see. Rational me doesn't let the outside world see my constant inner turmoil as I behave like a wise and calm doyenne. It's the theatrical training I think.

Do I even have any? 

Your last few posts have mentioned very little about you.... your wants, your needs, your dreams for the future.

I need to be able to make the people I love happy. I need to be able to fulfil the wants and dreams of the people I love. UNATTAINABLE OR WHAT?!

Pragmatically, Mark and I are working towards being as close as possible to self-sufficiency by the time I'm old enough to retire (that's the 10 year plan). We are working on ways to store the solar power in alternative ways to chemical batteries. We make our own soap, yoghurt, vinegar, and bread - which is all I can keep up with working a 40 hour week. When I was a stay at home mum (before my divorce) I also made our cheese and pasta - and all our clothes, even hubby's business shirts. We grow all our own vegetables but I have to buy meat, which I do direct from the farm gate in bulk once a month. Cut out the middle man and minimise the food miles.

That is why I'd still like him to live here and be in my life even if we aren't going to be a romantic couple any more. For me, just being friends would take away a whole tier of "what could possibly go wrong".

My immediate (2 to 3 year) goal is to be able to leave the office work behind me and generate a living wage through Celebrancy (almost finished my Cert IV) and Millinery (I have owned racehorses in the past, that's where the market is - racehorse owners & FOTF) .... slow fashion from fast fashion using recycled clothing.

When he is well we really are living the dream. He and I are so like minded about how we want to live making as small an impact on the planet as possible and what we are prepared to sacrifice to make that happen. When he is well, he is the most perfect for me person I have ever met.

What I've noticed with my partner is sometime the most obvious or logical thing eludes him (or the conversation). So when I'm not 100% clear (even when the thing in question is so obvious) it creates friction.

yep yep yep yep yep, although I don't think that's mential illness I think that's the Y chromosome. I have always made a point of trying to be specific and never expecting a male partner to "get it" because I genuinely believe their thought processes are very different from ours. Not better or worse, just different in the same way a Japanese person would view blowing their nose in front of someone similar to how we'd see letting a huge fart rip at the dining table when granny was visiting. There are points of cultural difference between males and females that need to be accounted for.

I was a bit poor me yesterday and I apologise. I do need to sort the sex thing out with him as it's almost three days. He said something yesterday that may or may not have been an answer to my question about choosing but it could also just be something he said sensing I needed reassurance.

I will bring it up soon, but I will pick the moment carefully.

Keep all your chins up, keep hydrated and enjoy the virtual soup that I didn't make you.

Much love,

S xxx

[HoneyOne]

Hi @SJT63 

I did very much enjoy the virtual soup you didn't make! It gave me such a chuckle!

Today, I am finally feeling better.

I re-read your post just now. We've spent a fair bit of time layout out all the challenges we have in front us. Which is really valuable because at least we feel heard. But like all good friendships, if we get stuck in a wholey negative cycle we're not really going to make the life for ourselves that we deserve.

So I'm proposing that we do our best do posts with only good stuff too.

I would really love to know someone of the great things that are going on for you. No matter how small. There is a cool website called "Superbetter" which helps people get through tough times in their lives. There is a really supportive community on there. So maybe we could incorporate some of the elements from that website?

What do you think?

xx

[HoneyOne]

Hi again @SJT63 

I guess if I'm being honest, I'm now mentally preparing to leave this relationship.

The book, Attached, talks about this a little. I found it helpful to read their suggestions.

So if I'm leaving, I guess we won't be able to trade bipolar partner stories, but we can share good stuff in life stories, like your graduation to become a marriage celebrant!

My partner and I had another argument this morning. The medication has taken away the bipolar behaviours, he's actually quite himself.

My partner lacks the ability to connect, share, be intimate, consider me. That's no bipolar, that's him. It feels like I'm in a relationship with a boy of 13 years.

I've oscillated about moving, but I will move back home. I will start fresh. That's life, you make a mess, you clean it up and start again.

I hope you're also getting some clarity and perspective. Life is easy and joyful for most people. It can be for us also!

xx

[SJT63]

Did some sewing

[SJT63]

@HoneyOne did some sewing. Needs borders, sandwiches and quilting but its a start

[HoneyOne]

Hey @SJT63 , that's great!

I would really love to be able to sew well enough to make proper clothes. I can alter things but not create from scratch.

I've managed about an hours work today, which is awesome! I'm going to do some stretching right now, then get back to reading the book I'm enjoying. It's self help but at least it's something for me!

[HoneyOne]

Oh my gosh, I only just managed to see the image of your sewing.

Seriously that is amazing work! Wow! No wonder you get such enjoyment out of it.

I'm hoping to get a pic of all the wonderful produce you grow and whip into dishes!

You must have a good deal of patience with these hobbies. I'm now daydreaming about having a vegetable patch. My mum is an excellent gardener so I could ask her to help get me started.

Thanks for the lovely pic!

xx

[HoneyOne]

@SJT63 

I have a horrible feeling that I may have hurt your feelings.

If I write when I'm upset my words come out very harshly. I'm so sorry for that.

It's been a really long month. And I'm at the final gate with my relationship.

Of course, this forum is to discuss the issues that come up for us. And let's face it, the topics we want to discuss are mostly challenging.

I only meant to write, let's start by sprinkling in some good stuff. I've read and experienced in the past, that when I start re-engaging my brain in a positive way, things shift for me significantly.

We do that a sometimes already, but let's be a bit more conscious of it.

Please forgive me!

xx