My girl

[Krishna]

Hey Forum Friends. So my girl turns 27 tomorrow. No contact from her since August last year apart from my visit to her in hospital where she did not recognise me. Although I did receive a txt last week, which I was excited to receive until I read it. Money, needed money, that's all, nothing more 😞 Her team tell me she was paid her DSP two days so I fear she's up to her old habits again. I was going to drive the 6 hours to visit but the fear of what I will be confronted with has had me change my mind. Now the guilt of that decision is rampant but I know seeing her in the unkept state she's in will break my heart all over again and from past experiences, so many, I know in my heart it wont, I can't, change what is. Her birthday present remains uncollected from her local post office despite my txts to her that it is there for her. I've lost her to her illness and addictions but how to let go? So many memories of happier days when she was my little girl so tomorrow I'll simply try to focus on those simple happy times. When and how do I draw the line of trying to make contact or am I putting myself through this suffering to no avail? A very sad mumma at present.

[Eve7]

Big momma bear 🐻 hugs 🤗 for you @Krishna 

I am sorry for your pain, it’s heartbreaking. 

❤️😢💔😢❤️🙏

[Appleblossom]

@Krishna 

As mothers we so often agonise over what to do and where to draw the lines.  You do not need to feel guilt because your reasoning is sound, and maybe one day she will realise.  That little lift of heart and then dissappointment, shows your love is alive.

Is there a way you can mark the occasion, like a ritual, playing some music she would have liked.  It can help to honour the birthday but contain it somehow so it does not become overwhelming and sad.  Thinking of you

Apple

[Krishna]

Thank you for the virtual hugs @Eve7 Much needed and gratefully received 🙏❤️

[Krishna]

Thanks @Appleblossom a beautiful idea although I'll play some calmer music than the Thrash head banging sounds she use to listen to hahaha. That's one thing I don't miss. I'll light a candle for the daughter I once had and held and pray one day she enters my life again. Much love and thanks 🙏 

[Appleblossom]

Oh I get it. @Krishna 

I worry some of that music causes more trouble than its worth, but there are believers in those styles on the forums. 

For a ritual to have meaning its what works for you.  Both my daughters did give me tiny candle holders during their primary school years, which I have now put together on a little altar.  

I am watching a dutch organist atm.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ABXN0zwb9U 

and playing

Cesar Franck

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXGdrLJhABg just the first one.

Finding dignity in the mothering that was real for me is a delicate walk.

[Krishna]

Soothing music @Appleblossom . Beautiful. My girl was quite a talented guitarist and artist, a lover of nature so tomorrow I've decided to pack myself a little picnic and sit by the ocean for a while and find some peace in that. The ocean always lifts my spirits and was one of her favourite places too. 

[Appleblossom]

Sounds like a lovely plan. Hang on to the good things.

@Krishna 

After all the serious music I have been doing, here is something a little lighter.  Not sure if you like?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcVFtu-ZmmM 

[Krishna]

Thanks @Appleblossom . Brought a smile for sure as can so very much relate. xx

[Anastasia]

A picnic by the ocean sounds lovely @Krishna  💕

I am so sorry things are as they are. I REALLY hope the future brings great change for the better. 

Sending you love and hugs. I always think of you and your beautiful girl who's lost for now. I'll light a candle tomorrow in honour of her birthday 🤗💞