Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

[Appleblossom]

Good point ... Perhaos SANE could advocate for MH training for GPs???

[Peter_Pan78]

I'd like to see stricter guidelines when it comes to GP's writing up antidepressant scripts. A detailed health plan should come first with recommendations such as psychologists and counsellors included and antidepressants only recommended if absolutely necessary.

[Peter_Pan78]

It sounds like your son feels defined by his illness. He may not realise it but his illness will always be with him whether he is on medication or not. It is understandable he wants to feel "normal" but what is "normal"? 1 in 5 people will experience mental illness in their lifetime. Chances are he knows someone (other than himself) who has a mental illness. The more "normal" people I talk to, the more I'm convinced of mentall illness "normality." People are just reluctant to admit they know somebody who has a mental illness (especially if its family) because of stigma. The more we talk, the more others will as well.

[AllAboutMissy]

I've been in this situation and with Bipolar myself it's a challenge to make that adjustment to carer role which can be quite "mothering".

He is your boyfriend and you love him and obviously want the best for him. I would explain this constantly to my partner before he went and got help and that's important to remember, you can't force them to get help they have to do of their own volition.

If you feel like he's been left hanging, perhaps ask to go with him to the doctors next time and you ask those questions about follow up. 

If he is depressed he probably won't be thinking clearly about what he has to do to get better. 

Be his guiding light. Get him doing research of his own so he can learn and understand not only about the illness but treatment options which can be discussed.

Love and light x

[NikNik]

Happy Monday everyone!

Thank you @AllAboutMissy @Peter_Pan78 @Appleblossom @Former-Member @Crazy_Bug_Lady @Shaz51 for your responses last week.

This week's AAM is from a concerned mother:

I fairly sure my son (32 y/o) has some kind of mental illness but he refuses to seek any kind of professional help and is extremely difficult to live with – where can I go from here to get some assistance as my family and I (myself 61 & my husband 64) are incredibly close to breaking point and nearly at the stage of saying ‘get out of our house – we don’t ever want to see you again’.  He sleeps constantly, day and night and won’t come out of his room except to have something to eat before going back again, he has no interest in anyone or anything, no longer takes care of his personal hygiene and is very, very angry.  Needless to say does not have a job or receive Centrelink benefits.  What can I do to get some professional help for him?

[Shaz51]

Hi has your son have any friends that might be able to help ??

[Janna]

I'm responding to the concerned mother.  Firstly, I'd like to say that the behaviour you've described sounds almost identical to my son except that he is only 16.  My son has been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and social anxiety disorder.  Based on your description I believe that he is more than likely also suffering with a depression and if not that then something else as this behaviour is not right.  He does need help and this is what is going to be tricky if he is not willing to admit that he has a problem and get professional support. 

If he is absolutely NOT going to get help then I would be orchestrating some sort of situation whereby he may get involuntarily admitted to hospital.  When you say he is very, very angry - if this translates into any outward displays of anger e.g. threatening or violent behaviour you have a right to call Police or Ambulance for an intervention.  He would then be taken to the local hospital where a mental health assessment could be done.  If there are any suggestions that he may be suicidal the same applies.  Have you questioned him regarding this to ascertain if he is internally safe?  You need to open up a very frank dialogue with him and tell him that you think he's suffering from depression (or whatever) and that you are concerned for him.  There is some good information on this here:

https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/concerned-about-someone/how-can-i-talk-to-them-about-it

Failing that I would be contacting a Mental Health Line with a view to getting hooked up with your local Acute Care Team for advice.  They can do assessments over the phone but your son would have to be willing to do this and I'm guessing he won't be.  

You need to gain control over the situation and do something because this is not sustainable over the long term.  Let your son know how concerned you are about him and how his behaviour is affecting you.  Don't mince your words.  Be firm and tell him that you can no longer tolerate his behaviour.  He's probably not going to like hearing that and may react aggressively and if he does you need to tell him that you won't tolerate aggressive behaviour (be it verbal or physical). This may be the ideal time to call for an intervention.

I've had to call for an intervention on my son when he became outwardly aggressive, began smashing things and then locked himself in a bathroom in which he continued to break things.  It's not a nice thing to have to do, but something extreme like this may have to happen in order for him to get the help he needs.

Clearly if something isn't done things are only going to get worse.  This is the only thing I can think of.

All the best

Janna ❤️

[Appleblossom]

I think @Janna gives some good suggestions. Sorry, but it sounds as if he does have issues.

How long has this situation been going on?

You do have the right to expect your son to contribute practically and financially to the household.You also have the right to be treated with respect in your own house. I see that as "gotta do" stuff ... no negotiation ... stop feeding him ... no argument ... it would be better to stand firm about these issues than let your frustration get to the point where you kick him out.

Mind you I tried to starve my son back to school by only having very healthy food ... it did not work ... but we had conversations that were important ... he improved his eating rather than go to school.

Possibly try and get him to claim Centrelink ... but my son refuses to ... the people at Carers Vic tell me that its important that they dont feel bad about claiming an entitlement.

I found it difficult to get people into the house to see my son ... I think there needs to more flexiblity for MH doctors to see those who will not go out.  May be a CAT team for less urgent cases but at loeast waiting lists come around.

Good luck

[Desi]

Hello concerned mother.

I can understand how you feel when you describe feeling close to breaking point, fearful and confused. I have had similar experiences with my daughter who was living at home, displaying similar behaviours to yours. I remember feeling frightened, she only came out for food, outside for a smoke and scowl as she walked past.

I felt scared leaving her in the house when I left for work each morning. Worried what would happen whilst I was away, what mood when I came home. I dreaded it. My breaking point came when I demanded that she leave. That was 4 months ago - I forced her out. Put her stuff out the back door. It was hard. I look back now and wonder how I did it. I felt incredible guilt, and lots of sorrow. That's the flip side of not feeling scared.

I'm mostly okay now ... relationship with daughter on hold.

She's almost 30 with a long history of mental ill health. Your son's situation may be quite different. Either way the stalemate needs to be broken, someone needs to act and that may be you and your husband drawing the line and having that tough talk.

Decide what actions you want your son to take. Tell him unless he engages in some form of treatment, even to see his gp for a mental care plan or else ... he is not able to continue to treat you both in this way. Basic home rules - contribute to the household in meaningful way and keep yourself clean.

Wishing you well and good luck.

[NikNik]

Happy Monday Everyone!

Thanks @Desi @Appleblossom @Janna and @Shaz51 for responding.

This week's question:

I'm am fortunate enough to be in a position where the person I care for is stable and I can look for a job. As we all know, sometimes the unpredictable can happen and we can't go to work at the last minute and at times might have to take a few days off at short notice.

Does anyone have any suggestions on 'carer friendly' careers? I know it will be different from work place to workplace - but any general advice would be appreciated.