Lived Experience Forum

[M_P90]

I have struggled so much with complex trauma and what a lonely place it is. It feels pretty unfair. Childhood trauma messes with your social and emotional development. You couldn't be a good friend in the past so you missed the opportunity to make reliable and secure friends. Those still around depend on your unhealthy behaviours in some way or another (lack of boundaries in my case), and then you change and grow so they fall away. Family is often more complicated than it is helpful. And you are forever playing catch up with people who haven't had their minds and hearts smashed into a thousand pieces, people who can trust and be open. You try to prove yourself, you try to offer that emotional stability and optimism others are drawn to. But you're so lonely and you don't have the belonging, security, the boost from loving people around you. You're not shielded, like the others who developed rather typically and collected and kept good people because they always had the emotional stability and optimism, because they've always been a good reliable friend. They can take it for granted that good people are drawn to them, they can trust and be open. It's this circular hell, I need people because I'm so hurt, but I'm so hurt because of people, and I can't trust people, and I'm lonely, and that causes more pain. 

I lose sight of my self worth,I lose sight of my humanity, loneliness only makes you hate yourself more. Which makes you less of a positive bubbly open presence that draws people. How can you possibly be? You have no buffering. Love is a buffer against how spiky and painful this life can be. I'm buffer-less.

I am constantly finding myself depleted. 

Don't tell me to work on myself, I have but I need more than professionals paid to care about me, guys! That was never going to be enough, regardless of how much work I'm doing in therapy. My therapist will never be my friend. 

I'm in pain. 

[Millieme]

Exactly this, everything you’ve written is how it is and it hurts unbearably to live this way

[hanami]

Hi there @M_P90 

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I can feel the pain in your words and it's heartbreaking. I hear you when you say don't tell me to work on myself or seek professional help. I'm wondering if it's okay to ask if there is something that you think may help? I think the forums are a great place for you as there are others who will be able to relate to your situation. We often find great healing in sharing our experience with others. 

I'll pop this link here too as there might be something on this website that may help https://blueknot.org.au/ 

Sending strength

Hanami

[TuxedoCat]

@M_P90 I know you're not alone in feelings ❤️ 

Seems like you've spent a lot of time focussing on your mental health and have found some benefits, but feel like there's only so much paid professionals can do. But it sounds like there is a bit of from past relationships/friendships? Is that right?

How you've spoken about this is so beautiful, and thank you for sharing. I know you're not alone in this ❤️ 

[SunshineWalker]

Hey @M_P90  I am listening to you.  I feel a connection to you. It's complicated I can't imagine ever living comfortably in my skin with what I know.

 My skin crawls at that thought.    The anger is so hot I burn inside harder than I have ever blushed,  I was told after some time dealing with it I would be left with the regret and a most likely burning hatred of what happened.  Reading about your pain I just wanted you to know I heard your voice.