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L4SS
New Contributor

Lost, scared and alone.

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new to the whole asking for support from others when I'm in need. To be honest, every time I try to ask for help, my mind goes blank and no words come out.

 

I don't want to bore people so I'll try simplify the events that have lead me here. I'm sorry if I ramble, there is just so much to explain.

- I met my fiance almost 7 years ago and fully swept me off my feet. He was supportive, fun and loved me for all my flaws. He was a co-director of a business he started a few years before we got together and it was just starting to pick up. Everything was looking peachy. In 2018, everything changed.

- Things were not going well with the business partner (BP). First it was snarky comments made by the BP, then excess money being spent on material that were going missing. This was starting to stress Fiancé more than we thought as he had a massive panic attack at work while I was having my first ever surgery and couldn't come see me in recovery.

- Fiancé had to take time off work because the panic attacks became more frequent and more intense. I tore stitches the first day being home, driving him to the doctors.

- Towards the end of 2018, Fiancé confronted the BP to work out what was happening with the business, but instead of a business talk, BP repeatedly attacked fiancé's character and would not talk about the business. The business shut up shop. BP did not help pack up the place. We did it all. We got locked out of the shop by BP with no access to any machines/materials. The shop got flooded and there went any chance of recouping any money from assets. Found out BP forged fiancé's signature to be guarantor on a car loan. All information was false on the loan docs (this has been reported to both finance company & police & just had a date with the district court last Monday. Still waiting on verdict).

- since the business closed, fiancé has been extremely depressed. Won't get out of bed. Pretty much hasn't left thr house since it happened. Panic attacks got so much worse but have gotten better over the last few weeks.

- I was working 14 hour days at the height of it all so he was pretty much on his own during the day. Then I got a huge kick to the gut mid 2019 as my dad told me he was dying. Pancreatic Cancer. He passed away 2.5 weeks after he told me. During that time, his mum came to stay so I was driving 30 mins across town to take her 30 mins across the other side of town to pallative care once he was admitted, then 30 mins back across town to go to work, then repeat in the afternoon. I was the only family he had in town at the time. It was rough. My brother didn't get to see him before he passed. I had to pack up his place. He did get rid of anything not worth keeping beforehand so that was a big help. Fiancé was pretty removed from the situation but I also didn't have a whole lot of time for myself and when I did get a break, I didn't want to think about it. His panic attacks were in full bloom at this point. We were 15 mins late to the funeral because of it.

- When my work contract ended, fiancé asked me to help with his new business. I said yes, then covid happened. He got worse. What little jobs came in, he procrastinated until the very last minute. I had to deal with the customers and I couldn't give them answers to ETA's because I didn't know. I was cleaning up after him work wise, house wise, you name it. I still am.

- Then, another blow to me, my grandad had a stroke. Because of covid, I couldn't travel. He passed April this year before I could talk to him. 10 months after my dad passed away. We had a wake for him on his 90th birthday in July. Fiancé didn't come as it was interstate.

- Fiancé then started drinking to the point of blacking out. Then he started online gambling followed by rage after loosing A LOT of money (I'm talking ten's of thousands) behind my back. He lost it. Put holes in walls, smashed a glass table etc. Then came the massive depression where he won't get out of bed - not even to shower.

- I finally got him to a psychiatrist on Monday who diagnosed him with PTSD. He upped the meds he is currently on and it is still very early days but I still can't get him out of bed. He is hot and cold with me and has been since this all started. I'm doing everything on my own. Trying to run his business, keep the house clean, keep our dogs alive and also us. We lost all our friends during this time because we kept cancelling on them all of the time. My mum is very judgemental so I don't speak to her about it. His mum is fantastic but I can never tell her anything positive which destroys me and her. I haven't been able to deal with the deaths of my dad & granddad because I'm scared that if I break, with everything going on, we will both die. I haven't even been able to deal with what has happened with my fiancé. Life is so crazy right now, it doesn't seem real. I dont know what to do, where to go or who to talk to. Im scared of what the future holds. Will it get better? Will we cope? I love him so much and I just want to take all his pain away. What if he doesn't come back from this? So many unanswered questions. What do I do?

 

1 REPLY 1

Re: Lost, scared and alone.

@L4SS 

 

I've just found this and I'm so sorry no one has replied. 

 

WOW what a couple of years you've been having. So many of us on here are dealing with crisis after crisis and I have found that having a place like this to vent has been very helpful to me.

 

Things at mine are not as bad as they were a few weeks ago.

 

How was your weekend? (Very Long Read)  was one of my first posts if you want to have a read... and trust me, my life is way easier than it is for some of the partners on here. I can't talk to my friends and family any more because they all think I should leave him.

 

It could be a very long road getting the meds right so don't panic if you don't see much improvement straight away - make sure he keeps getting reviewed. Mine is manic at present but there have been times when I've had to spoon feed him in bed and sit him in the bath and bathe him like a child due to depression. It's no fun.

 

The guy before him? Him I nursed at home until the final two weeks before his death.

 

Maybe giving in to your grief might be good for you... instead of denying yourself the right to genuine emotions (which can only make things more stressful) let them evolve organically. I have experienced the grief of losing a partner and keeping it bottled up is dangerous.

 

Definitely get some counselling for  yourself. I cannot stress enough how beneficial it is  having someone who actually has to listen to you. I journal almost every day which also helps me put my own thoughts into a rational sequence and stops me overthinking.

 

As someone who has spent over 50 years trying to be all things to all people I say from experience that you can't do it all by yourself.

 

And you don't have to.

 

Much love, S.

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