Lived Experience Forum

[Jenn7]

Hi everyone, long time no see, haha. A long story short I suppose, my husband had an affair for a time, he lied, he was sneaky he was everything he wasn’t before. Went on for about a year. We’ve been together for over 30 years, 4 grown up children, all healthy and seem well adjusted. Very traumatic time, now he’s back, no more her, and being thru a wash cycle, that’s what it felt like, I feel now for the last couple weeks, I have cried nearly every night, thoughts come into my head which leads to things that were said and done during his betrayal period. I suppose the question is, how the hell do I get past this, I feel sick with the pain of it all, we were so close and happy, didn’t see it coming. Any suggestions, would be really useful guys.

jenn

[Clawde]

Only suggestion from Clawde is only look after you, move on as fast and final as you can, I know it hurts, but , look after you, it’s the only way, to move on , I know it’s not what you want to hear, I am sorry 😢, there is no magic fix, the sooner you move on, you will get the rest of your life back, to hell with un nice people, not good enough, you deserve better, look after you, someone will be there for you if you alone let them in , just when you don’t see it coming, that the universe will look after you, take care your a beautiful sole out there

[Jenn7]

Thanks Clawde. Hard to look after yourself when I’ve been a mother for so long. Guess it’s something I have to learn. I’m 60 years old, not real old haha, but you’d think I’d have it a bit more together than what I have. My mental health has taken a nose dive dramatically. The brain, what a incredible thing, it’s the force behind most feelings etc you have. If only I could adjust it or put it on a different wave length, could solve all my problems. If only haha Hoping time will really heal, but how much time, I’ve no patience. Have to find a really good hobby to occupy myself with. Jenn7

[Helpmeheal]

@Jenn7 I am so sorry… I want you to know you are not alone. My partner of 12 years recently left me for someone else, and it was a similar shock… I thought we were happy and solid too. It is such a horrible, shaking trauma. Someone who you trusted and felt safe with has exploded that trust and safety. I can tell you, I am crying with you about this one. It is a true trauma. Sending you lots of support… I wish I had answers, but I don’t… you are definitely not alone though. 

[hanami]

Hi @Jenn7 

Just want to say how sorry I am this has happened to you. I'm 53 and can only imagine what it would be like to find out my husband of 26 years has betrayed me. 

I think I would definitely need to work through my feelings with a psychologist or counsellor.   A good hobby would definitely offer you some sort of distraction but the issue and feelings will be bubbling away and need to be dealt with at some stage.

Sending hugs

Hanami

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Jenn7,

I just finished reading your post and I wanted to say my heart goes out to you. My best friend was married for 31 years and two years ago her husband did something similar. Even now she talks about it often. In her case I remember saying to her the emotions she was feeling about the betrayal was similar to the emotions you may feel when you are grieving. There was a sense of denial, anger, sadness, etc. Having walked with her along this journey over the last two years I can see she is slowly coming out the other side, gaining strength, confidence and a new way of being. 

I wish I had some wise advice or answers for you but I guess it comes down to what you are okay with and what you want going forward. Some people can move on from an affair and some people can't. I would give it time and not rush into anything either way. You need time to heal - you have been through a traumatic event so please don't push yourself. Maybe take time to think about what you want. I know with my best friend she was worried about her adult child and not wanting to be alone but when I asked her outside of that did she even really want to still be married to her then husband she said she wasn't sure.

Would you / your husband be open to marriage counselling? I think it could be good to have a third party that wasn't involved help you both untangle this.

I wish you all the best and I hope whatever decision you do eventually make is the one that is right for you above anyone else.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather 

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Helpmeheal,

I just wanted to let you know that I read your response to Jenn7. How kind of you to share your own painful lived experience to help another person.

My heart goes out to you - you are 100% right. What you (and Jenn7) have been through is a trauma experience and with that comes so many emotions and a lot of much needed healing. It's like someone made choices on your behalf and you had no say in it. I really feel for you.

Sending you hugs,

FloatingFeather